The unexposed heart

As a Christian I'm not suppose to be afraid.

As a Christian I'm not suppose to lie.

Tonight Im saying I'm a Christian. I love Jesus. I go church. I serve. Etc. I know it isn't even about all of that! But its about what God is doing in your heart. If you could see me writing this right now you would see my hand is on my chest and my face and iPad are covered in tears. I only give you the details through writing because I truly just....want you to hear me. I be negative in my account and serve My church or the food bank and not have any fear in the world, any worry. Any doubt, because everything will work out in the end! I could be workings with teenage girls who have the lowest self esteem issues you can imagine – who in the end talk about you instead of thanking you, but it doesn't phase me because I know in the end they will see God and meet Him in a way that will be change their life. I pray not stop for those will scars to their elbows that they realize that Jesus' scars were enough. I pray for the girls look for the fulfillment in that "perfect" guys hug, or the kiss. Honey- he ain't perfect!!! Jesus is and until you get that all your ever going to find is failure and deceit. For the guys- I pray they Learn how to respect a lady. But more importantly, you learn how to love Jesus you'll Learn how to love a lady. Now I could do this all night. Praise God!!

Now--as said Before as a Christian I'm not suppose to be afraid. As a Christian, I'm not suppose to Lie. To BOTH very hard issues to hit.

Well I'm not. Early today somebody I trust and Love asked me How I was. I lied. I straight up totally was like "I'm fine." Due to the fact of the setting we were in, I did t want to "unload" on them. I lied. Plus they were busy. But in all reality I think I'm just giving myself an excuse.

Truth be told - I'm scared out of my mind. Tomorrow I go for an MRI. I'm allergic or have some kinda reaction to this contrast they use. This MRI is going to tell us a lot- if not everything and more. It's a higher Tesla which means a higher magnet. I don't do well with them. It's taken literally 3 months to get this thing scheduled. Due to insurance and doctors. I also meet with two more doctors tomorrow. A neurologist. I have what's called generalized right sided weakness.- I have something up with a cranial nerve on the right side of my brain. I find out if its a therapeutic fix or uhm a different type of brain surgery tomorrow. Then my epileptologist.

I'm scared, because since winter Jams seizures Ive been sick. Scared because I feel like this is getting worse. I feel like nobody knows what to do. My last appointment my blood pressure was lower than normal. I feel like I'm actually scaring people. I'm learning about those I can trust and appreciate more and more in my life. All I can do is - do it scared and trust Him in the midst of this. Because it sucks. It's hard. It's really hard. But God is able and has done far more in my life than I have ever been able too. But yes- I'm scared. Yes. Sometimes I feel like nobody gets it. Because I realize they can't. But Im so incredibly blessed. Blessed by those who hold on right along side me. Blessed by all Gods given me. Blessed because I know there is hope.


Best believe there is Hope.

"Let me be singing when the evening comes"

Man-- It's a hard night: I really do NOT feel right at all. I keep smelling this smell ( it's not me I showered haha - ok so maybe I should stop Joking about this.) I keep getting the metal taste. I actually woke up due to it. I went to bed four hours ago!!!!!! Now I am up writing a dumb blog. I have a headache ( yet I have headphones in, I do this a lot-- drowns out the pounding throbbing a little.-- again I should probably BE more serious which I tend to not be.) Then I have been getting like weird dizzy all night-- I'm night Dehydrated- it's a weird dizzy. Like I get this weird stomach thing at the same time. And I swear when it Happens it's like the freakin room contorts and makes me feel like I'm going crazy. All night. These headaches will stop then happen. Then stop. Then come back like a head of elephants through my head ( ok my lingo is definitely giving it away that I'm frustrated.)
I am fruatrated. I'm annoyed. I don't feel good. For once I would like a cold. A cough. A sinus infection. Something normal???? Explaining to people I have a seizure Disorder is a little messed up. I'm hitting a point with the Cleveland clinic a where they are annoying me. They aren't listening to me. I just-- I just need then to listen. I just need the Doctor to fully listen instead of coming up with every secondary pathological answer to diagnose me because you don't know what else to say because you won't fully listen. They won't listen. They just won't. I've been through meds that have worked but have had horrible side effects then I've had drugs that my body had just completely rejected. Then there has been meds where my body done awesome on!!! We know the Epilepsy is intractable --- nothing can be done stop trying to play God!!!
I'm frustrated because Honestly-- I'm scared. I'm scares it's coming to a worsening point for me. I'm scared it's coming to a point that nothing can be done with out serious risks. Surgery etc i don't want to do cause there are such serious risk. I just want these freakin Doctors to hear me out. Because I know more can be done. They have till April 15. To decide what to do. I have appointments every week for the next 5 weeks. Next week- I go for a new mRI because only after MONTHS of me telling them did they finally look at my hippocampus and BAM they found sclerosis the #1 cause to intractable Epilepsy. Really??!?? Now were looking for atrophy and some volume thing. I also now have to meet with a normal neuro because I have a Cranial Nerve Problem. Something is wrong with my entire Rights side of my body. This is my brain!!! This is my Brain!!!!!!!!! My main control system!!! Something goes Wrong with that something is wrong with me!!!!! :/ I am scared. I'm scared because I don't know what to even say. I'm afraid these doctors are just as tired of me as I of them. I just want my life back. I want everything back. My account is negative! I want my own home again! I want to be independent again!!! I want to support me! Not everyone and there mom!

I'm blessed I'm so honored to have what people I do and friends. God is Faithful. So so so faithful. This has not broken me has it changed me ? Yes completely-- it's scared me to... But God who is Completely 100% able did not give me a spirit of fear but a spirit of love of Power and of Sound mind!!!! No matter where I am at!!!! I have to hold on to that!!!!!


So tonight I'm singing...

" bless The Lord Oh my soul, ohh my soul. Worship His holy name! Sing like never before! Worship your Holy name"

Compliant v.s Complacency

We can - in any situation become - Compliant. Complacent. or Just flat out complaining.

When I was praying yesterday and heard the word "compliant" I was a little caught off guard and confused. I just googled the word for fun. Compliant means to be ready, or disposed to comply. Another definition was to submit. -- Hmm? Submit. Now Submit means to " yield or surrender to the power or authority of another." So Hold on to that while we keep going :)

Now - Complacent: marked by "SELF-satisfaction" especially when accompanied by unawareness of actual dangers or deficiencies." -- its means you have come to a comfortable place and your ok with it. Your ok with how you are, how you act, how you treat people etc.

Then Complaining is " to express dissatisfaction, pain, uneasiness, censure, resentment, or grief constantly" - seriously? I think everyone knows what complaining is.

Now- now that I put that all out there for you lets pull it all together. I'm gonna work backwards. :)

So often we become focused on something that is wrong. "Thats wrong" "The music is to loud" " they did this" or " this is that" we COMPLAIN about something. Then we have those who are just naturals at complaining about problems. Then have become so COMPLACENT in their ways they don't even realize it. They are ok with where they are at. They love God- Go to church on Sundays, yet don't make and intentional encounter with who God is to truly make a change.

Theres more to life than to where you are at. There is more to life than to where your sitting. Whether its the same pew, chair, or classroom every sunday. Heck- maybe its down to that same BORING lunch you pack everyday. God is calling you to more- something more intentional, something REAL with Him. He doesn't relent till He has it all. I'm reminded of Jesus Calling the Disciples. They were Just ordinary people like you and I but they were all called to something more intentional, something higher. Something bigger than themselves.

Key to that though was submitting what God. Being compliant. Being in complete surrender. Giving up everything you want for what God wants for you. James and John left their father (Matthew 4:18-22) Peter and Andrew left there nets they were using to cast to catch fish. Jesus legit Told them they were going to be more than just "fishermen" but they were going to " Fisher of men' if they were going to follow Him. Then there was Matthew- a tax collector. Just because He was a sinner didn't mean Jesus was giving up on Him nor leaving Him-- so Matthew went with Him.you seen the change.

God has called us all to be a disciple I believe. He has called us all to change the world around us. He has called us all to wake the world around us to life abundantly that God had come to give us- but we can only do that if we let Him do that through us. Because its not about us. Not about what we have done but all about what He is doing and wants to do. So get off your high horse, its not about what you want, your problems, fears, struggles, etc- maybe they arent about you. Maybe they are to serve a greater purpose. Stop complaining and Start praying.

I've Got sunshine on a cloudy day :)

Good morning from Rainy Cleveland. Its Cloudy and gross and it gives every person every reason to have a bad day.

Am I right? I know I wasn't exactly having the greatest start to the day either-- or the past few days. I have been struggling. Struggling with a stuff that I don't know how to talk about. Stuff that people don't understand. Stuff that scares people away. Stuff that scares me. Stuff that I don't understand,yet walk around talking about as if I can answer every question about and yet I may be able to, but I can't fully tell you why because I don't know why.

That has been the past few days for me- I skipped a bible study (not the end of the world) and just hung out with a friend. It was well overdo. I needed to pull myself together and think and pray and just be. Not overthink anything, not get any crazy advice from anyone, but just be and throw a little fun in the mix of it. I love my life, my friends, everything. I am so incredibly blessed. I am--- Let me explain a few things to you.

Yesterday- I was praying about my situation with work, life, health etc. Sunday- I heard a very inspiring message and just altogether was very great day. I was able to see a college friend kick off a church in my hometown-- Just my heart is there. But the pastor was talking about how we don't necessarily understand whats going on for us because it may not be for us -- but for those around us. To show them the Love of Jesus through us and in us. To just Hold on. uhm? Yeah. That is Hard. But Today that Reality sat in and sat in clear.

I realized I have but NO choice to live my life a little differently. Everything is going to have to be done a little--- differently. I am opting for the time being to give up the idea of driving. I am 22 years old. Just 9 months ago I was able to buy a car was FINALLY able to get my license had my own apartment etc. Now Im a 22 year old living with a family that took me in, I am on medical leave from work till may, I my apartment, I cant even pay for medication until work is figured out. Thats negative crap right? yeah I know. I am by no means saying this as pity party for me. or a poor Tabitha. NO. because I am alive. By the Grace of God I am a live and guess what He is STILL providing for me I am actually loving this time off work because it gives me more ministry time.I get to serve more. I get more opportunities opened up to me!!! God is SO faithful.

There is a hindrance yes. I cant do everything I want do,to not driving. But- I make it work. God makes it work. I am so blessed with wonderful church. Im finding new ways to make things happen and God just-- Keeps blowing my mind. :) I am so excited to whats to come. So excited for whats to come in Cleveland. and Northeast,Ohio. I grew up in youth group at the age of 15 saying I was going to be a world changer. Till this day--- I still believe God has called me to that

So yes. I've Got sunshine on cloudy day!!!

Not for a moment

It's 1:30 a.m I can't sleep. For the past 6 hours I've been watching Grey's Anatomy and catching up on the final seasons-- all I can say is that I am WAY to emotionally involved into this show ;) anytime Meredith Grey Cries--- yup better bet I'm bawling. We're alike in a lot of ways :D I find it humorous. Then you have izzy, man this girl. Ah- as I said-- WAY to emotionally involved. That's so random of me to say but its made me think. A couple episodes ago I watched the show where George died and Izzy almost died and then a few shows later izzy is dealing with it long with Derek and they say something-
" when it hurts so much you can't breathe, that's how you stay alive - by remembering that one day somehow Impossibly it won't feel this way, it won't hurt this much"

I understand I haven't wrote in a while. Nothing to different really going on to write about- it would just be complaining if I did. Ya know? But honestly me not writing is faking cause there is a lot going on. Since I lost my grandpa -- things have become a little crazy. Just -- a tad. Not bad. But just a lot. Struggles. Good. Bad. Hard stuff. Things I don't get. Things I need help with. Things I want. Things I need to figure out. Etc. just a lot.

This past Tuesday I just got out the hospital. I spent 5 days in the ungodly epilepsy Unit. 2 days prior to going into there I spent the weekend in the Hospital as well. 3 days spent there I think it was-- that time is all a blur, all I really remember is happy feet socks and the security guard thinking I was 15. I've been ripped off meds put on meds. Changed dosage of meds. We found out I'm also hypokalemic, again. This med I'm in now messes horribly with my body and appetite, and I'm back to round 3.56735839 of not being able to eat just when I figure out a system that works. They told me I can't drive. They told me I can't work with blizzard machines anymore- they were very specific about that when they wrote my release form. How I am going to get out of that with work I don't know. I'm broke. I have no money. I'm living with a family that's so graciously taken me in because I agreed to pay them rent once I was working steadily and etc and now- I not only won't be working but I won't have a way to get myself from point a and b. I had to sell my car to my brother. No more license. My neurologist has no hope of clearing me anytime soon to get my license. The biggest blow this week was my job- I am a workaholic and love my job. Being told I can't do the very thing I put 30 plus hours of my week into doing, and mAking a living while doing it, is hard. I have to totally trust God. I have to wake up every morning and say even when I don't get it- God does. Because well he is God and some how, some crazy weird very odd way-- He has a plan. And It must be pretty freakin awesome. Truth right there let me tell you.

While I was in the hospital I was blessed with presence of this nurse-- I'll leave it at that-- for two days. I thought one day was a blessing in itself but two days- wow. She definitely had a heart for The Lord!!!!!! Sooooooo sweet! Seriouslyh! Bring up a worship song and man would she talk! But as soon as she found out I wasn't drinking enough--- that was a whole other song and dance. I swear every visitor I had she told them. I wanted to tell her to shut up! But I honestly didnt know how to nicely-- and after alllll the conversations we had all day- the only thing that went through my head was " for the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks" , I had to be nice. And I knew she was doing her job, but she was just exhausting. But anyways- we spoke about quite a bit and something she said to me while I was in the hospital - were made through the fire. This- life. Where you're at. It's the fire. If she only knew the volumes in which she was speaking. She kept coming back to my room and doing her charting and etc, and I just kept thinking. We are made through the fire and storms and deserts of this life! Things that aren't always easy. They can teach us a lot if we let them.

This is teaching me a lot. More than what's neccasary to be shared. I'm dealing with some health issues and etc - the obvious but things go deeper.

You learn a total dependence on who your maker is. You learn to listen to the one who spoke the earth into motion and not everything nor anyone else around you. You learn to trust the one who parted the Red Sea. And for me--- I think this is the hardest- I have to constantly learn to put "my" world into the hands of the one who holds THE world. Because He already knows what it all looks like.

It's hard- not knowing if I'm going to be able to work. If I'm going to be able to drive. If I'm gonna have a secure solid place to live. How am I going to work out getting places? Health insurance? Money? I need a Job? I need stuff to do? ... All these things. Superficial things. When I already truly know God has it all figured out. I know this because I'm still here. I'm still alive. I'm still breathing. And when I do fall asleep and if I don't wake up then it wasn't meant to be- but for right now I'm thanking God because I am here. I am alive.

I titled this "not for a moment" because there is a song that I've been so stuck on in all this by Meredith Andrews that goes

"After all You are constant
After all You are only good
After all You are sovereign
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Not for a moment will You forsake me "

I'm holding true to that. I know He is Good. No matter the outcome of all this-- why.? Because it has absolutely nothing to do with me. But because in the end He is still God. And still Good. Ill just rest in that.

Transparency at its finest

I have never been really good at putting how I feel into words without being over emotional or dramatic. God and I have truly been working on this for years. Something Goes on-- its like everything is horrible and I hate life. Or Everything is just lovely and beautiful. But over the past 2 years to year and a Half- I've learned a balance between that.

I started off by saying that because well- all that I am about to say even is hard. Unless its something people physically see, I don't talk about it. I can talk about the Epilepsy. I can talk about seizures. Thats SO easy. But this-- not so much.

You see- that past two days, I have been quite a wreck at work. Messing things up. Dropping things. Making the wrong products. Etc. I have been really distracted. Normally its been because I don't feel good. Easy to blame it on. Not saying I didn't. But I know it wasn't the reason. Yesterday while walking to work I was reminded of my fire from when I first got saved. I was broken. I went to work crying. Rewind. I went to work- crying. sick. distracted. hurt. sad. distracted. and just all kinds of NOT myself. You see when I was 15 I was convinced I was going to be a " world Changer". I was convinced I was going to travel the country church to church convention to convention and speak to all the teenagers about who Jesus was and what He did and was doing in my life. I spoke in my youth group. I was a Leader. I then moved up to bigger things and etc. I then Interned.

Then something happened. I made mistakes. I fell.I got back up. but I kept falling. But it wasn't like the type of fall that you fall and get back up an choose Jesus fall. it was the yeah I suck- nobody cares anyways- I'm gonna keep going this way without anyway without anyone knowing fall (or so I thought.) As I said I played that dangerous Game of I love Jesus and I know all the answers yet I really hate my life. For quite some time actually. My Junior year of high school going into senior year I was diagosed with Epilepsy. I had to STOP everything. I left my old church started a new one. I was a cutter. I was stressed beyond was I thought I could take. I was trying to-- but to only a level. Then not even a few months later- my Dad was killed. Thats what pushed me over the edge. I sought acceptance in any male relationship I could find just to end up getting hurt more and more in the end. I did some really STUPID attention seeking things. to get people to notice how much this hurt me. I was hurt. I didnt know what to do. Then I went away to college- things only increased. My relationship with my mom was zero. my family and i never talked. I turned back to things of the Past and this time--- well, February of my Second semester I was told if I didn't get help from an eating disorder I would die in 6 months. 2 months later I found myself in a recovery home in the south. A year later I attempted suicide. Almost succeeded I was hospitalized for 2 weeks.


My list of wrongs can go on and on and on and on. Today all that ran through my head. You may ask why? maybe because of what I said at the beginning? due to being dramatic? or etc?--- No-- you see. since I was 15, I have known. I was called to ministry full time. Ive been running. Ive been running from the call of the very one of the I Love. I have questioned. I have cried. and yet. Its been right in front of my face all along. Ministry is hard. Right now I work at Dairy Queen and its hard. Ive lost my passion for ice cream. its boring. i have nothing for it. I want to quit. i want something more for my life.sick or not its worth the sacrifice to .... come home and no youve just lved for a reason. or to stay up all night doing something more. Praying with people. crying with people. Talking. Just loving people. having bible studies etc. Even all the adminstrative stuff. I LOVE ADMINISTRATION AND ORGANIZATION. I have been so blessed. SO SO blessed. i have a roof over my head. i have water and food. etc. I dont want to run anymore. Because no matter the sacrifice. no matter how much it hurts. He is the worth it all. He has not brought me this far to leave me.

Let your Pain empower your Passion

" Let your Pain empower your Passion"

If I could go to columbus this weekend and hear this guy speak I would. You see. I simply read this, this morning and have not been able to forget about it.

its been hard to write a REAL update. Something not full of cliches. Truths. Yes. But something I know I just- it just didn't feel right. From Sunday nigh till now has been fully of so many ups and downs.

Sunday was just an all around amazing day of worship and hearing from God. I wasn't on the schedule to serve anywhere, I was open to it but did not end up doing it. I was just there. I got a little dizzy and shaky during service but for the most part I was ok. Then Had lunch with my friend and etc. Sunday night came--and WOW!!!!!!!--- amazing Worship. Everything. Just. I. Can't even put it into words. And Then I I didnt feel so great--- so I stepped out an was praying but I needed to. BUT-- it was perfect. God was able to speak directly to me about speaking at exit the following tuesday. and so when I came back in I walked up for prayer. I don't normally do that- but with speaking tuesday i just wanted to make sure I was on the same page with God. My first time and I was really nervous. Well I was praying from afar for my friends and then I talked to someone-- well I didn't know this person. She didn't know me. All i can say she was spot on with quite a bit. ok maybe everything. It was crazy. All i wanted prayer for was for speaking on tueday and then more kept coming. out of me and her.
Something that was really cool was that she knew that I wanted another tattoo-- and God had showed her something of a bird or a tree. Everyone knows I want a tree as my next one :) Theres more that she said but the tree thing and tattoo is what i want to hold onto right now. I have everything written down. A while back I wrote something on Instagram about the Cleveland Clinic and the Glowy light tree thing ( i love my choice of wording there) means a lot to me. Brings peace and Joy and Hope to every wretched horrible appointment everytime I have to go there- Especially Alone. Even though I know we NEVER EVER EVER walk alone. and I am apart of a wonderful group from a wonderful church-- but somedays-- ill be honest im realizing i dont want to talk to them i just want to sit back and write to jesus. The Tree at the Cleveland clinic is something is not something found just at the cleveland clinic but trees are everywhere. A reminder to be rooted and built up in who HE is and what HE has for you. such a blessing
You see I sat next to that tree for a while and just stared at it this past tuesday. Why you ask? Well-- Sunday was awesome- Monday was Great- I just turned 22- my friends surprised me with a great birthday. I got an ipad. i brought it in with some of the greatest people i could ask for. Tuesday morning came -- I had to be up and ready and down by the Cleveland Clinic by 8 a.m. I chose to go alone. I cant handle going with some people and then I cant handle really going alone but going alone outweighs the other. I found out Im being readmitted for a week. I have to just take it easy. I told them I was flying in two weeks- she said- make sure your meds are regulated please. and ive learned when my doctor is concerned her tone of voice really changes. and usually when she gives up on a situation and doesnt care because she knows im going to do what i want anyway - she jsut doesnt look at me. and stays stearn or laughs. im very observant. I see her every 2 weeks. You pick these things up. I got really upset/ frustrated when she told me they officially decided to admit me. She said ASAP. I said. NO. -- I dont do very well with these alone. i wasnt mean. i promise. just didnt want to. but we talked and i agreed. my insurance is covering it and and Im doing it. :( they want to get an video eeg done again along with an MRI while in the unit. but they already know i have a problem pressing the "button" so we will see how this goes. that was a rough morning. Later on that evening I found out i had to speak. I was totallyy God-- I just prayed Prayed his will be done.i had NO idea how I was going to do it. and I think He did what He needed. i was so blessed!

then Wednesday-- wednesday came- sigh. The very man who encouraged me without questioning me. we prayed. we cried. We talked of Heaven an Hell and Jesus. at 5 pm my sister called me at work after everyone had tried all day to get ahold of me and told me my brother and mom found my Grandpa Dead. My Grandpa had lived with me since i was in 6th Grade. It hurt. It hurts still shall i say. my family is hurting like ive never seen. He is the one man you thought would live forever. I mean He was a freakin champ!!!!! He was on a ventilator for... well years. since before he moved in with me. an just he had a trache. all this stuff and still functioned pretty fine. pretty normal for his condition.

To say the least He is gone. God called Him home. This week has beeen hard on me. emotionally. physically. etc.

like i said I have had a hard time posting all week. But when I read that point this morning it sparked something in me. Made me think. I know where My joy comes from. I know when i get up-- its a blessing. The last time I was in the hospital I was going through the book of Colossians and was really stuck on chapter 4. You see Paul is writing to the different churches from Prison.--- and He was telling them to " Remember His chains" - That even though He is in Prison he is STILL! going to choose to live out His ministry! Why? because the grace of god is Him and has given him what he needs Just as he will you. ...

No matter where your at. No matter what your facing. chains. sickess. remember paul. thats its. Dont fall back. Gods given you desires and passions for a reason. and sometimes your greatest message will come out of your deepest failure.