Forgiveness is Key.

It's been so long since I have last wrote! I have so much to say! So much update everyone on. But for now I have other things to say.

5 years ago this week something  happened in my life. Something life changing. Something that I will never forget. Let me explain.

You see I was a shy, quiet girl. On the inside I was lost in my world  of self hate and controlled by fear and empowered by rage. All I wanted was the Love of a guy. I was distraught by the crazy happenings of high school and my senior year, and my family was a wreck. On the outside though I was just there. I played the part- I went to church- I thought I was finally getting to a point of being free from it all and seeking God trying to figure out what to do in the midst of the chaos. Well-  Nothing could prepare for what was about to happen!

The beginning of my senior year everything seemed Normal. Started the School year off Strong. Youth Group was going well. It wasn't until I had been sitting in Youth Group one Night and one of the Leaders had walked up to me and prayed for me and after said he thought He felt the Lord leading him to tell me that I need to deal with the "unforgiveness" with my family. I didn't think twice about it. I kinda laughed! My attitude kicked in and I stopped talking. But I took it all in. Unforgiveness? Really? I mean I was just having a bad day?  Well It didn't end there.

I kept getting worse. Family situation kept getting worse. School was getting worse. Nothing seemed like it was looking up. I had the " I don't care attitude'.  I had met with my mentor multiple times, and we would talk and text. I think I  had realized what I needed to do.

A few weeks after youth group, I went to a concert. At this time it was probably my 9th concert, they had known me by name. After the Concert - Going through the signing line they had prayed for me and the same thing had happened, That I needed to pray and really to pray about unforgiveness in my life with my parents! and break off generational curses and Prayed Psalm 61! Not going lie I was kind of shocked t hear this a second time!

Not even two days after the concert I was Indiana, at my friends church that I was visiting. God woke me up. You see, I had never been to this church before. The pastor didn't even know my name. I only knew Jenelle and Morgan- and the rest of the SIP team that I had traveled with a few years prior. I'm sitting there minding my own buisness and boom out of know where I hear my name. and He looks at me in front of His entire Church and just speaks this word of life! I was never more amazed in my life as I was then. I still have only witnessed this once or twice since then! But He looked at me and said "you're called to speak Joy and Life into young lives- bring peace.Your purpose is to speak of a Hope that never fails. then he  went in Acts 9 About how the young woman had died but Peter had brought her back to life and she went everywhere speaking of the things God has done for her! It was just amazing!- but there is a but! he said I have some unforgiveness with my parents to deal with and generational curses to break!  and a few other things! It was at that point that God had shown me what  I needed to do.

I began to pray. This was now December 2008. I prayed and prayed and cried. I talked to my mentor at the time, and I prayed more. It took me weeks to figure out what I should do. I mean I knew what I should do. I knew what I could have done. but I just didn't.

My Dad and I had talked weekly if not more since my sophomore year of high school. Before that we didn't really talk at all. The only thing I remember getting from him is a radio with a backstreet boy CD, a Red Bear and Britney Spears CD and it was the best Gift I got that year for my Christmas when I was a kid. But really All I cared about was that he was there. He lived in West Virginia. I lived in Ohio. Made Visiting quite difficult. That phone call every week though was valued. I didn't realize one phone call was going to be such a difficult one. Life Changing.

Eventually I realized all this Unforgiveness talk - needed to be taken care of. I wrote my mom a letter later on. But eventually I had to call my Dad. On January 17th- I called Him. Like I normally do. But this time the conversation went a little different. I said I am sorry. Confused He said for what. I said I'm sorry I haven't been the greatest daughter as I should be and I forgive you I know you aren't perfect but I love you!" He said  He was sorry and His exact words were " Tab I am so proud of you, you make me want to dance with the Holy Spirit again I love you so much" -- I cried. He cried. I laughed cause his hillybilly accent and slang. He always told me he was reading the bible more because he knew i went to church and it was a way we had conversation and it was just cute and it just it was cute!
 It was  like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders! Unfortunately the conversation had to end because I was walking to work and Had just got there and Had to go. The "Love you, bye's" were a little bit harder that time around. but I had a Joy that was just unexplainable. A peace.

January 21,2009 at youth group it was even weird. It was a different setting. Everyone was upstairs.I was not feeling it. I sat in the back by the water fountain hiding. My Mentor after came home and showed me something in 1 Peter. I still have it marked in my bible to this day. I remember clear as day my youth pastor preaching end of the. night  "were not promised the promised tomorrow yet alone the next 10 minutes." A statement everyone says but you never think about. Well-  January 21,2009  my dad was killed in a car accident. He called his friend to pick him up from Walmart take him home and unknowing to Him he was drunk and strung out on drugs. He was speeding on the way home, the car flipped over the median, and  slammed into a tree  on the opposite side of road. The Last conversation I had with my dad was Him telling me that he wanted to dance with the " Holy Spirit" again.  All those people speaking so much truth into my life I wouldn't be where I am today. I learned were not promised tomorrow, forgiveness is key to life. and never doubt the voice or nudging of the Holy Spirit.

My Dad was a Stubborn man. He loved. He gave. He cared deeply.

Although this week will be hard. I will remember not only the things that he has done but what God had done to restore our relationship.

God is a God of restoration and love.
Pursue Peace.
Pursue Him.

Let your Pain empower your Passion

" Let your Pain empower your Passion"

If I could go to columbus this weekend and hear this guy speak I would. You see. I simply read this, this morning and have not been able to forget about it.

its been hard to write a REAL update. Something not full of cliches. Truths. Yes. But something I know I just- it just didn't feel right. From Sunday nigh till now has been fully of so many ups and downs.

Sunday was just an all around amazing day of worship and hearing from God. I wasn't on the schedule to serve anywhere, I was open to it but did not end up doing it. I was just there. I got a little dizzy and shaky during service but for the most part I was ok. Then Had lunch with my friend and etc. Sunday night came--and WOW!!!!!!!--- amazing Worship. Everything. Just. I. Can't even put it into words. And Then I I didnt feel so great--- so I stepped out an was praying but I needed to. BUT-- it was perfect. God was able to speak directly to me about speaking at exit the following tuesday. and so when I came back in I walked up for prayer. I don't normally do that- but with speaking tuesday i just wanted to make sure I was on the same page with God. My first time and I was really nervous. Well I was praying from afar for my friends and then I talked to someone-- well I didn't know this person. She didn't know me. All i can say she was spot on with quite a bit. ok maybe everything. It was crazy. All i wanted prayer for was for speaking on tueday and then more kept coming. out of me and her.
Something that was really cool was that she knew that I wanted another tattoo-- and God had showed her something of a bird or a tree. Everyone knows I want a tree as my next one :) Theres more that she said but the tree thing and tattoo is what i want to hold onto right now. I have everything written down. A while back I wrote something on Instagram about the Cleveland Clinic and the Glowy light tree thing ( i love my choice of wording there) means a lot to me. Brings peace and Joy and Hope to every wretched horrible appointment everytime I have to go there- Especially Alone. Even though I know we NEVER EVER EVER walk alone. and I am apart of a wonderful group from a wonderful church-- but somedays-- ill be honest im realizing i dont want to talk to them i just want to sit back and write to jesus. The Tree at the Cleveland clinic is something is not something found just at the cleveland clinic but trees are everywhere. A reminder to be rooted and built up in who HE is and what HE has for you. such a blessing
You see I sat next to that tree for a while and just stared at it this past tuesday. Why you ask? Well-- Sunday was awesome- Monday was Great- I just turned 22- my friends surprised me with a great birthday. I got an ipad. i brought it in with some of the greatest people i could ask for. Tuesday morning came -- I had to be up and ready and down by the Cleveland Clinic by 8 a.m. I chose to go alone. I cant handle going with some people and then I cant handle really going alone but going alone outweighs the other. I found out Im being readmitted for a week. I have to just take it easy. I told them I was flying in two weeks- she said- make sure your meds are regulated please. and ive learned when my doctor is concerned her tone of voice really changes. and usually when she gives up on a situation and doesnt care because she knows im going to do what i want anyway - she jsut doesnt look at me. and stays stearn or laughs. im very observant. I see her every 2 weeks. You pick these things up. I got really upset/ frustrated when she told me they officially decided to admit me. She said ASAP. I said. NO. -- I dont do very well with these alone. i wasnt mean. i promise. just didnt want to. but we talked and i agreed. my insurance is covering it and and Im doing it. :( they want to get an video eeg done again along with an MRI while in the unit. but they already know i have a problem pressing the "button" so we will see how this goes. that was a rough morning. Later on that evening I found out i had to speak. I was totallyy God-- I just prayed Prayed his will be done.i had NO idea how I was going to do it. and I think He did what He needed. i was so blessed!

then Wednesday-- wednesday came- sigh. The very man who encouraged me without questioning me. we prayed. we cried. We talked of Heaven an Hell and Jesus. at 5 pm my sister called me at work after everyone had tried all day to get ahold of me and told me my brother and mom found my Grandpa Dead. My Grandpa had lived with me since i was in 6th Grade. It hurt. It hurts still shall i say. my family is hurting like ive never seen. He is the one man you thought would live forever. I mean He was a freakin champ!!!!! He was on a ventilator for... well years. since before he moved in with me. an just he had a trache. all this stuff and still functioned pretty fine. pretty normal for his condition.

To say the least He is gone. God called Him home. This week has beeen hard on me. emotionally. physically. etc.

like i said I have had a hard time posting all week. But when I read that point this morning it sparked something in me. Made me think. I know where My joy comes from. I know when i get up-- its a blessing. The last time I was in the hospital I was going through the book of Colossians and was really stuck on chapter 4. You see Paul is writing to the different churches from Prison.--- and He was telling them to " Remember His chains" - That even though He is in Prison he is STILL! going to choose to live out His ministry! Why? because the grace of god is Him and has given him what he needs Just as he will you. ...

No matter where your at. No matter what your facing. chains. sickess. remember paul. thats its. Dont fall back. Gods given you desires and passions for a reason. and sometimes your greatest message will come out of your deepest failure.

Hello World :)

I'm up at the weirdest hour of the night writing on a blog I said I never would write on. I'm getting better at this though. I'm starting to like it to.

You see- for years I use to be the type of person that would broadcast every detail of my life to any person that would get close to me. Over the Past few years though I've pushed just about every person away and stopped telling anyone anything because I've realized just How unhealthy that really was. I was a STUPID STUPID teenager. To say the very least. Now I've done the complete opposite--- its been uncomfortable for people to HAVE to know whats going on. I push people away and only tell those closest everything and that's like- 3 people. Literally  And one of them I only tell because well-- someone how She became part of my life because she understood and most of the time I feel bad- but she understands.-- not like because she gets it but because shes been through school and all this stuff and knows about some of this stuff. So yeah- she gets it- the meds, the DR lingo, all of it. I feel normal for once when I talk to them. Does it stop me from Praying? Nope. Because trust me it hasn't I'm here today. I'm standing. and Stronger than I ever have been.

. I know everyone else means well but  I've stopped talking to them. Or I've learned to change the subject. You see- everyone Else I feel like its a burden or they don't get it and its a problem. Or they just don't want to hear about it unless they ask. If they don't ask. I don't tell. Or as I've said before they are afraid of me-- like I'm some kind of monster. 

I'm a Strong woman. I've learned this too. Normally-- I don't say that. Normally. I would throw my white flag up and curl up in a ball and say I quit. But I'm NOT. I refuse to. I can't. I won't. God's brought me way to freakin far to let the enemy break me now. I may be sick. I may have days where I get weak. But then- that's when I have to look up for myself. When I personally have to choose to get up off my butt! ( yes I just said butt get over it) and get on my knees and pray and do something about it. I remember hearing something a while back- " you don't need a third party to talk to God when you can talk to him for yourself"---  I don't necessarily verbalize my prayers and I'll be honest, Ill sing and dance and cry and  I'll write. I write and talk to God all at once. That's how I talk to God. Everyone is different. This ... this Journey I've been blessed to be on has changed me. Has changed my way of dealing with people, working with people, talking to people, addressing people, talking to my FAMILY.  let me tell you-- its been HARD. I've had days I've wanted to flush my meds. I've had days I've wanted to just curl up in a ball and cry. I've had days where I have done nothing but cry. But there's been one thing that's been consistent in all this-- HIM. He hasn't left. Even though I've been -- everywhere. literally. on the charts from moods to sickness to everything. God is still God and still capable of doing what He is does. even when I suck. He doesn't change. He never fails. He is God! He just is!!!!  I'm only strong because of HIM! because He has shown Grace and Mercy on my life through so much and put the people in my life He has to continue to influence me to rely on HIM AND HIS GRACE and His strength and His comfort to get through this. Because there is no other way I'd get through this. NONE. ZERO!!!

Tonight- I'm writing this because I'm extremely thankful. thankful that I have the opportunity to pick up the bible. to Text my friends.Thankful I have friends who are real and straight up with me when I am out of line. That I have Pastors and a Church that blesses me so much. Lifes not always easy. Everyone deals with something. Everyone Has a Story. I learned Last night- My RA from College Little sister had a kidney Transplant a while back and is now having some complications from it and all this time I thought this Girl was one of the strongest/perfect people I know. She has a story. Her family's courage and strength and dependence on God is just amazing and Beautiful may I add. I am Blessed. Too.

All this to say-- even on my Bad days God is still God. Still Capable and will do what He does.  We all have a story. 

So thank you to everyone. 

Im tired. Im going to bed.

Peace out.

Just have Hope.

Another appointment today. But before I get to that Let me share a little, uhm before hand, recent stuff.

Over the past few years God has done A LOT of crazy things in my life. Amazing things Things I just-- Everyday thank Him for. Truth right there. For the most part I've tried to stay pretty positive. Stay pretty Strong. I'm -- and I know it :) a loud outgoing person naturally. I use to be shy and quiet and really just kept to myself. Boy did God break me of that over the years. I just really don't care what anyone thinks of me anymore- I'm gonna be me whether you like it or not, I know my limitations- sometimes I kinda make things a little shaky but Hey- I'm not perfect. but- if you don't shake things up a Little, what point is there to life?

Recently Its been a struggle- I've had a lot of feed back from people because they Just don't understand whats happened-- well guess what I don't understand what has happened to me. Some days its a front. Some days Its harder than others. Ive had questions Like " are you depressed", " are you on drugs" , " whats really going on",  Am I offended?  To an extent yes- because I'm not even given the time and day by some to explain. Not that I really give them an explanation to make them understand- but some-- some do.  I won't discredit all.  I'm not depressed. I'm not -- well not on illegal drugs anyway. I can't answer whats "really" going on to you because I don't know. Dr's don't fully know. We may never fully know. I have Epilepsy. Apparently its severe. Apparently its affecting a lot of everything. To eating to talking. To communicating with people. NO! I don't want a poor me- poor boo hoo crap of a thing. I want a normal life again.  Thats what I want. I want people to stop dropping off the face of the earth on me because they find out I have seizures. I want friends to be friends. I want people to stop treating me as if I am some type of communicable disease. I am not. Im a normal human being. I can still sit down for coffee with people I can still do things. Yeah I cant be as active ( although I still am I'll admit it) or do just a few things others can-- but Im realizing I can do normal things. IF- something should happen there is that 3 digit number; 911 for a reason, not only that but most of you know what to do if I were to have a BIGGER seizure anyway. If you don't well-- thats when the 911 comes in handy.  I am sorry if this comes off strong- but I'm tired. I'm tired of this affecting me. I'm tired of it threatening my Job. I'm tired of not being able to sit through a church service and etc.  I can do normal things- like normal people.

Another recent struggle with all this--is people just assuming the unknown to them. Grant you people don't matter. It is really amazing what happens in the Christian world/relm of things.  Pray this. Pray that. Pray more. Your not praying enough. This/ That. This has nothing to do with my Church. I come from a pretty solid church and I am extremely blessed-- BUT not everyone is perfect. were not perfect and we- I, definitely don't have it right all the time. We just love God. Love people. Then you have some who just don't get it. Don't get anything. Don't get what dealing or facing a problem is. Maybe I am going about this the wrong way.I don't know. Maybe I should't be so public about it. But quite honestly- I'll be real-- here we go
if I had it my way- id avoid this just like I did for many years. I was diagnosed with epilepsy at 16. First Seizure I had I remember sitting in front of my deep freezer, and next thing I know Im across the kitchen floor big bump on my head. I had quite a few after that. One swimming. One in a post office. Quite a few at a purity conference. One at a youth convention. MRIs after MRIs- Multiple stupid concussions. Then EEG's. I can't tell you how much school I missed between junior/senior year. --- Epilepsy, a Seizure Disorder. Me. Then put on meds for years. I was fine. Or so I thought. my 3rd Semester of College I had a really bad seizure. I didn't know it was coming. I didn't feel it. Nothing. I just went down. I smacked my head on the metal frame of my bed, along with the floor, in the midst of going down I hit my shoulder on something and ended up with and obvious concussion. On top of leaving for Christmas break 2 days later and a 2 week recover

At age 20 I cold turkey'd that Med I was on, I started having HORRIBLE side effects from it. Most people didnt even know I had epilepsy. Unless- you were family- or witnessed a seizure. Then all of a sudden.  a year and a half later- everything went down hill. No meds- seizure free. This past summer at a cookout with my church, I had to leave. I was really sick. I thought it was due to taking to much tylenol and ibuprofen combined.  Nope- I was told I had a chance of having "bleeding" - "swelling" on my brain, I needed to see a specialist.  Wanted to keep me- Im stubborn and left AMA. I found out I'm allergic to Dilauded and then 5 days later I was seeing a Neurologist- ordered some more test and blah blah blah. See guys a lot more going on than you think. Before all this I was just trying to get my license. I even had them. Bought a car and was working on getting it fixed. then they took my license away. Met another doctor after being put on some meds. Was diagnosed with Intractible focal epilepsy with Complex Partial seizures with Secondary generalized seizures. then talk of  surgery and finding the focal point until then more meds and more meds. these meds mess with my moods. my apetite. I drop weight. I gain it. Some give me horrible headaches. Some make me not to be able to sleep.  You don't get it. You don't understand and I don't expect you to. but please. Just- don't tell me something if you don't know. I appreciate the few people in my life who do listen. Im thankful that I know God is able. I thankful I know Gods Grace to put up with me when Im crabby and I'm learning to pull away from things when I get to off key. Its not fun.

Then todays appointment.- No bueno.  But I have to say I am blessed. I didn't have to pay a 40 dollar co-pay. :) Its the little things. I had a neurology appointment this morning. Not a specialist or anything- thankfully. Those are the worse. I have to see them soon though. But my neuro wants me to go back into the Epilepsy Monitoring Unit. Another Outpatient EEG. and I have to go for a Higher tesla MRI. All at the Good O'l Cleveland Clinic. Apparently- my seizures, the meds, the side effects of the meds, are all interfereing with me living a normal life- as if I didn't know that. (not saying that in a bad way just stating the obvious) Seizures that I only feel/know about. Some to small to Hit an EEG but some that they thing that are progressing past Meds control and want to really reconsider uhm- surgery as an option. I have to call and schedule a closer appointment with my Epileptologist and doctors at the Cleveland Clinic. Im prepared to have meds changed again. i just cold turkeyed one and etc. But till we find something that works and i am believeing we will find something that works.

My neurologist kept stressing something today- "Keep holding on. Have hope. This is hard. We know it ...have hope"  Its a frustrating thing to deal with. its one of those things thats Hit or miss. You never know when a seizure is gonna happen. You truly just HAVE to trust God. with the testing- you can have negative results one day- positive results the next. its a serious issue that you just HAVE to trust. The fact that she kept saying you just have to have Hope. You just have to keep holding on and do this and surround youself with people who will support you. I just have to keep going. I've come this far.


You see- I just keep it real. I'm not gonna cover it up with classy cliche christian slang. well- I know God is able. I know who God is. Trust me. I do. Ive said it once and I'll say it over and over and over again. This-- this isn't my ending- yes this is my story. not the end of it though. God had brought me through so much-- and this-- ha- I don't doubt one bit that He will continue to carry me through. I will continue to do my part. I'll continue to serve as I can and where I know I am suppose to. I love it! I love doing what I know God has for me. I stay in the word-- grant you I could probably study a little more. I'll stay in prayer. I'll keep those close to me that know the situaton who are praying. Ill keep asking them to pray. This-- this has changed my life. my relationship with God. Who I am as a person. God's Grace -- is Sufficient. I Know..  I don't just know but I KNOW that God is Good ALL the time.