Center of it all.

I write. I'm a writer. I write organize my mind. I write to talk to God. I write to explain myself. I write.... Just because I can. I write because its the one place I make sense. I write because it brings peace to every part of my being. Singing brings peace to some. Music. Instruments. Etc. I write.

It takes me a while to write out these things though. It goes through a process. First some prayer- some loss of sleep. Then written in my Journal. Then after I weed out all the un needed stuff, I post here. A blog ( I still laugh at it). I think the world needs to know. For some reason I find my self compelled to write here.

I've been thinking about the brain and how incredibly complex it is. I won't lie- its been pissing me off. ( I probably shouldn't say that but I'm gonna be Honesty.) No matter how much research is done, no matter how many drugs are out there- they have yet to master it. They have yet to figure out every detail, mechanism, all that it can do, why something goes wrong, why something works exactly the way it does. Even the country's top Neurologist, Neurosurgeons, Neuro specialist-- I mean you name it. They just have assumptions as to "why" something goes wrong. I've met people who have told me stories of surgery, stories of tumors, of seizures, of memory Loss for no reason,-- I mean the entire body is so incredibly complex and amazing if you think about how we are held together. But the brain --- specifically is the center of life. You can't transplant it. Can't always fix it- can't bring back memories lost due to brain damage.

You have the heart that that beats/ pumps the blood to all the different organs , Lungs that breath, feet that walk, hands that clap, kidneys that detox the body and so on so forth- with out the Brain you are not doing any of that and more. If something is wrong with your brain- you are going to be a little --- off. Trust me on that.

You see, you can get all kinds of transplants-- heart, liver, kidneys, spleen, eyes, pancreas, bone, intestines, and even tendons! But-- Brains. Nothing. You can't get a new brain, or even a fake implant. You can't get parts of your brain taken out and the other part of your brain picks up for what's lacking. Weird right? That some kids that suffer certain types of seizures can have half their brain removed and still have the chance to living a perfectly normal life! Then some- have just a part of their brain removed and their lives are screwed?

Your probably wondering why I am talking so much about the Brain. You see its so intricate and complex. Yet no one knows exactly why. My aunt died due to her brain pretty much dying before the rest of her body. As soon as they took her off life support though- it was only minutes. Her organs saved many other people's lives though. Crazy right? THAT'S not even the reason why Im writing this. That's just to make a point.

You see- when their is something wrong with your brain- their is something wrong with your entire body. Their are going to be signs and symptoms that are going to show. Your Brain is going to be the center of Life. It's the center of everything. Hit your head the wrong way, you'll know what I'm talking about.

Well- if your relationship with God isn't based or founded on the rock its going to be the same. God is our center- if God isn't the "brain" of my life, Isn't the rock- I'm going to have problems. I'm going to find myself lost.
God is so intricate- nobody can understand Him. He is God. People try. But they can't. He is God. If he isn't center- if we don't start revolving our life around Him- our heart and lungs are going to fail. Our kidneys are going to shutdown and were going to have no way to de-tox! See where Im getting at here?
We need Jesus. Our very creator. The one who knit us together in our mothers wombs- we need, because He is the ONLY one who knows what's going on. No doctor, no person etc. Just HIM. We need Him to clean up our Junk. We can't do it alone. He makes ALL things new.

Who's your Brain?

Where's your Focus?

Hello World :)

I'm up at the weirdest hour of the night writing on a blog I said I never would write on. I'm getting better at this though. I'm starting to like it to.

You see- for years I use to be the type of person that would broadcast every detail of my life to any person that would get close to me. Over the Past few years though I've pushed just about every person away and stopped telling anyone anything because I've realized just How unhealthy that really was. I was a STUPID STUPID teenager. To say the very least. Now I've done the complete opposite--- its been uncomfortable for people to HAVE to know whats going on. I push people away and only tell those closest everything and that's like- 3 people. Literally  And one of them I only tell because well-- someone how She became part of my life because she understood and most of the time I feel bad- but she understands.-- not like because she gets it but because shes been through school and all this stuff and knows about some of this stuff. So yeah- she gets it- the meds, the DR lingo, all of it. I feel normal for once when I talk to them. Does it stop me from Praying? Nope. Because trust me it hasn't I'm here today. I'm standing. and Stronger than I ever have been.

. I know everyone else means well but  I've stopped talking to them. Or I've learned to change the subject. You see- everyone Else I feel like its a burden or they don't get it and its a problem. Or they just don't want to hear about it unless they ask. If they don't ask. I don't tell. Or as I've said before they are afraid of me-- like I'm some kind of monster. 

I'm a Strong woman. I've learned this too. Normally-- I don't say that. Normally. I would throw my white flag up and curl up in a ball and say I quit. But I'm NOT. I refuse to. I can't. I won't. God's brought me way to freakin far to let the enemy break me now. I may be sick. I may have days where I get weak. But then- that's when I have to look up for myself. When I personally have to choose to get up off my butt! ( yes I just said butt get over it) and get on my knees and pray and do something about it. I remember hearing something a while back- " you don't need a third party to talk to God when you can talk to him for yourself"---  I don't necessarily verbalize my prayers and I'll be honest, Ill sing and dance and cry and  I'll write. I write and talk to God all at once. That's how I talk to God. Everyone is different. This ... this Journey I've been blessed to be on has changed me. Has changed my way of dealing with people, working with people, talking to people, addressing people, talking to my FAMILY.  let me tell you-- its been HARD. I've had days I've wanted to flush my meds. I've had days I've wanted to just curl up in a ball and cry. I've had days where I have done nothing but cry. But there's been one thing that's been consistent in all this-- HIM. He hasn't left. Even though I've been -- everywhere. literally. on the charts from moods to sickness to everything. God is still God and still capable of doing what He is does. even when I suck. He doesn't change. He never fails. He is God! He just is!!!!  I'm only strong because of HIM! because He has shown Grace and Mercy on my life through so much and put the people in my life He has to continue to influence me to rely on HIM AND HIS GRACE and His strength and His comfort to get through this. Because there is no other way I'd get through this. NONE. ZERO!!!

Tonight- I'm writing this because I'm extremely thankful. thankful that I have the opportunity to pick up the bible. to Text my friends.Thankful I have friends who are real and straight up with me when I am out of line. That I have Pastors and a Church that blesses me so much. Lifes not always easy. Everyone deals with something. Everyone Has a Story. I learned Last night- My RA from College Little sister had a kidney Transplant a while back and is now having some complications from it and all this time I thought this Girl was one of the strongest/perfect people I know. She has a story. Her family's courage and strength and dependence on God is just amazing and Beautiful may I add. I am Blessed. Too.

All this to say-- even on my Bad days God is still God. Still Capable and will do what He does.  We all have a story. 

So thank you to everyone. 

Im tired. Im going to bed.

Peace out.

Just have Hope.

Another appointment today. But before I get to that Let me share a little, uhm before hand, recent stuff.

Over the past few years God has done A LOT of crazy things in my life. Amazing things Things I just-- Everyday thank Him for. Truth right there. For the most part I've tried to stay pretty positive. Stay pretty Strong. I'm -- and I know it :) a loud outgoing person naturally. I use to be shy and quiet and really just kept to myself. Boy did God break me of that over the years. I just really don't care what anyone thinks of me anymore- I'm gonna be me whether you like it or not, I know my limitations- sometimes I kinda make things a little shaky but Hey- I'm not perfect. but- if you don't shake things up a Little, what point is there to life?

Recently Its been a struggle- I've had a lot of feed back from people because they Just don't understand whats happened-- well guess what I don't understand what has happened to me. Some days its a front. Some days Its harder than others. Ive had questions Like " are you depressed", " are you on drugs" , " whats really going on",  Am I offended?  To an extent yes- because I'm not even given the time and day by some to explain. Not that I really give them an explanation to make them understand- but some-- some do.  I won't discredit all.  I'm not depressed. I'm not -- well not on illegal drugs anyway. I can't answer whats "really" going on to you because I don't know. Dr's don't fully know. We may never fully know. I have Epilepsy. Apparently its severe. Apparently its affecting a lot of everything. To eating to talking. To communicating with people. NO! I don't want a poor me- poor boo hoo crap of a thing. I want a normal life again.  Thats what I want. I want people to stop dropping off the face of the earth on me because they find out I have seizures. I want friends to be friends. I want people to stop treating me as if I am some type of communicable disease. I am not. Im a normal human being. I can still sit down for coffee with people I can still do things. Yeah I cant be as active ( although I still am I'll admit it) or do just a few things others can-- but Im realizing I can do normal things. IF- something should happen there is that 3 digit number; 911 for a reason, not only that but most of you know what to do if I were to have a BIGGER seizure anyway. If you don't well-- thats when the 911 comes in handy.  I am sorry if this comes off strong- but I'm tired. I'm tired of this affecting me. I'm tired of it threatening my Job. I'm tired of not being able to sit through a church service and etc.  I can do normal things- like normal people.

Another recent struggle with all this--is people just assuming the unknown to them. Grant you people don't matter. It is really amazing what happens in the Christian world/relm of things.  Pray this. Pray that. Pray more. Your not praying enough. This/ That. This has nothing to do with my Church. I come from a pretty solid church and I am extremely blessed-- BUT not everyone is perfect. were not perfect and we- I, definitely don't have it right all the time. We just love God. Love people. Then you have some who just don't get it. Don't get anything. Don't get what dealing or facing a problem is. Maybe I am going about this the wrong way.I don't know. Maybe I should't be so public about it. But quite honestly- I'll be real-- here we go
if I had it my way- id avoid this just like I did for many years. I was diagnosed with epilepsy at 16. First Seizure I had I remember sitting in front of my deep freezer, and next thing I know Im across the kitchen floor big bump on my head. I had quite a few after that. One swimming. One in a post office. Quite a few at a purity conference. One at a youth convention. MRIs after MRIs- Multiple stupid concussions. Then EEG's. I can't tell you how much school I missed between junior/senior year. --- Epilepsy, a Seizure Disorder. Me. Then put on meds for years. I was fine. Or so I thought. my 3rd Semester of College I had a really bad seizure. I didn't know it was coming. I didn't feel it. Nothing. I just went down. I smacked my head on the metal frame of my bed, along with the floor, in the midst of going down I hit my shoulder on something and ended up with and obvious concussion. On top of leaving for Christmas break 2 days later and a 2 week recover

At age 20 I cold turkey'd that Med I was on, I started having HORRIBLE side effects from it. Most people didnt even know I had epilepsy. Unless- you were family- or witnessed a seizure. Then all of a sudden.  a year and a half later- everything went down hill. No meds- seizure free. This past summer at a cookout with my church, I had to leave. I was really sick. I thought it was due to taking to much tylenol and ibuprofen combined.  Nope- I was told I had a chance of having "bleeding" - "swelling" on my brain, I needed to see a specialist.  Wanted to keep me- Im stubborn and left AMA. I found out I'm allergic to Dilauded and then 5 days later I was seeing a Neurologist- ordered some more test and blah blah blah. See guys a lot more going on than you think. Before all this I was just trying to get my license. I even had them. Bought a car and was working on getting it fixed. then they took my license away. Met another doctor after being put on some meds. Was diagnosed with Intractible focal epilepsy with Complex Partial seizures with Secondary generalized seizures. then talk of  surgery and finding the focal point until then more meds and more meds. these meds mess with my moods. my apetite. I drop weight. I gain it. Some give me horrible headaches. Some make me not to be able to sleep.  You don't get it. You don't understand and I don't expect you to. but please. Just- don't tell me something if you don't know. I appreciate the few people in my life who do listen. Im thankful that I know God is able. I thankful I know Gods Grace to put up with me when Im crabby and I'm learning to pull away from things when I get to off key. Its not fun.

Then todays appointment.- No bueno.  But I have to say I am blessed. I didn't have to pay a 40 dollar co-pay. :) Its the little things. I had a neurology appointment this morning. Not a specialist or anything- thankfully. Those are the worse. I have to see them soon though. But my neuro wants me to go back into the Epilepsy Monitoring Unit. Another Outpatient EEG. and I have to go for a Higher tesla MRI. All at the Good O'l Cleveland Clinic. Apparently- my seizures, the meds, the side effects of the meds, are all interfereing with me living a normal life- as if I didn't know that. (not saying that in a bad way just stating the obvious) Seizures that I only feel/know about. Some to small to Hit an EEG but some that they thing that are progressing past Meds control and want to really reconsider uhm- surgery as an option. I have to call and schedule a closer appointment with my Epileptologist and doctors at the Cleveland Clinic. Im prepared to have meds changed again. i just cold turkeyed one and etc. But till we find something that works and i am believeing we will find something that works.

My neurologist kept stressing something today- "Keep holding on. Have hope. This is hard. We know it ...have hope"  Its a frustrating thing to deal with. its one of those things thats Hit or miss. You never know when a seizure is gonna happen. You truly just HAVE to trust God. with the testing- you can have negative results one day- positive results the next. its a serious issue that you just HAVE to trust. The fact that she kept saying you just have to have Hope. You just have to keep holding on and do this and surround youself with people who will support you. I just have to keep going. I've come this far.


You see- I just keep it real. I'm not gonna cover it up with classy cliche christian slang. well- I know God is able. I know who God is. Trust me. I do. Ive said it once and I'll say it over and over and over again. This-- this isn't my ending- yes this is my story. not the end of it though. God had brought me through so much-- and this-- ha- I don't doubt one bit that He will continue to carry me through. I will continue to do my part. I'll continue to serve as I can and where I know I am suppose to. I love it! I love doing what I know God has for me. I stay in the word-- grant you I could probably study a little more. I'll stay in prayer. I'll keep those close to me that know the situaton who are praying. Ill keep asking them to pray. This-- this has changed my life. my relationship with God. Who I am as a person. God's Grace -- is Sufficient. I Know..  I don't just know but I KNOW that God is Good ALL the time.

Real God, REAL LOVE

Pursuing Christ lately has not been on the top of my “To-do” list lately. To be honest I have completely pushed Him off to the side, sort of just to the Back burner of my life. I've found myself in this “Pit”. A “Pit” of just pretty much self hate,brokenness,hurt. I was just taking it all as it was being thrown at me. I Dug this whole deeper and deeper as time went by. This is the way the past almost two months have been. The lies that I have grabbed on to weren't making things better. Things telling me its not worth Going after such a powerful God,that it was pointless that I would keep messing up,would keep falling and tripping. That I couldn't put up the fight needed to get out of this mess. A verse came to my mind through all of this,

Matthew 10:38-39...

” Anyone who does not take up his cross and Follow me is not worthy of me, whoever finds his life will lose it and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it”

 I knew what it meant to “take up your cross”. To me it means take up everything that has ever been thrown at you, and take it to God and continue on with life, No matter how hard it gets just do it.

       I know the scripture and I know what I'm suppose to say. What it all comes down to is I know religion, But to say I knew (know) of this personal relationship with Christ, I would be lying. I mean dont get me wrong, I did have a relationship with God at one point but these past few months I have Just forgotten about and lost all focus of it. But before these past few months my relationship with Him was not the best,I wasn't honest with Him, I wasn't open, Now I know what I thought was there, wasn't real. I have not trusted Him the way I should, None of it. Now that I look back on it, it was the crappiest relationship ever. The cross I knew to take up and carry, even during the hard times, I threw Down and walked away. I stopped Going to church on Sundays, the Wednesday thing had just became a “ thing to do”.

         Last Night was different, my youth pastor didn't even continue on his thing with purity ( I'm not gonna lie, I was kinda happy about that), but he went somewhere new. I can't remember everything he had said but, one thing I do remember was the verse Philippians 1:6 ( someone had actually sent this to me about a week ago but I was like whatever it didn't make sense to me then).

“Being confident of this, He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

After He used that verse ( he said it like twice),I just said oh my gosh. What the heck have I been doing. He just kept going on about his dreams he had and where God has him, and how it wasn't because of his WISDOM or his KNOWLEDGE, but because of the Lords.

      Let me first say, I didn't want to be there that night. I was sick and not feeling all that up to par, but I still went. After he was done saying everything I heard something I have not heard in a long time. I just cried, I didn't even know why I was crying. I just was, but it wasn't over anything I had going on or anything I was thinking, But the tears Just flowed, But I finally heard from God. It was more clear and Loud than ever. I wasn't even looking for a meet with Him, I wanted to meet with Him, I wanted to find him again,but I had gave up on it. But He found me, I wasn't doing anything, just sitting there against the wall, way in the back.He said

“Tabitha, Your hear because its real, your hear because You want to see me in a real way, a NEW way, and well here I am. I want you to learn how to be real, with me, with yourself,and with those around you. Its ok not to be OK all the time. What your Going through isn't for forever. Let me help you, Let me In. Let me teach you REAL love, Love that doesn't hurt. TRUST ME!

         I just cried more, it was almost like it was all new to me but at the same time, i knew it all. ( sorry if I'm not making much sense). It said so much to me, and made some stuff finally hit home. I'm not gonna say I'm good,I'm fine or I'm all better, but I have something Firm, and REAL to stand on. I found, No wait, God found me. What he has started, Hes gonna finish. No matter what it takes. I may fail at first but I know God is gonna get me through this. I'm gonna move forward NO matter what it takes.

1 Peter 5:8-10 says:

“Be self-controlled and alert, Your enemy the Devil, prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to Devour. Resist Him standing firm in faith, because you know your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all Grace who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will make you strong firm and steadfast.

I'm not gonna lie, the enemy had me down, and almost defeated. I have been listening to all his stupid lies long enough. Faith, These amazing few people God has recently placed in my life, thats whats gonna get me through this. All of everyones prayers thats why I'm where I'm at right now.

      I know and fully aware of the Road ahead. Its not gonna be an easy one, but I now have a rock to stand on. I see it, I know its here! I'm not gonna sink anymore.

Beauty of His Grace

Lately I've been thinking about Grace and the meaning of it. Through that, I have come to the realization that so often we forget about it.


Grace, its a 5 letter word. And yet it means SO much and as said before we sit back in the comfortable life that we tend to live and don't really pay much attention to it. Well this morning it hit me that some people don't understand the meaning of it.

You see, I was listening to "How He loves" by Kim walker and my younger sister had stated " I don't get it, I don’t understand it - We are his portion and he is our prize,Drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes ,
If grace is an ocean we’re all sinking- that makes no sense! .” I was caught off guard, I know it’s a song and she may not have understood it but our conversation carried beyond that. I had told her it was talking about Grace the response to me saying that was – “and your point is”.

I began thinking and continued playing- How can someone just say that about Grace! God’s GRACE at that. We don’t deserve it but yet its given to us ALL. I personally think that because so many people do not get it , and do not “believe” in Grace (for lack of a better word) it’s what causes us to run from God, the very one who gives it to us and also the very one who gives us life.

Grace is the undeserved favor of God. Get that- UNDESERVED. Which means when we screw up, when we fall, when we sin, God should just tell us YOU’RE A SCREW UP! YOUR NOTHING! I DON’T EVER WANT YOU!!! YOU’RE WORTHLESS NOW!!! But the truth is He does the complete opposite. When we do everything that doesn’t necessarily glorify God, He still loves us. He still is there with open arms waiting for us to Return and to forgive us and to help us get back on track. Why you ask? Because His love is never-ending and nothing can separate us from that! Romans 8:38-39 -And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord”. It clearly states that.

I am brought to the story of the Samaritan woman at the well. She was married five times and then she was in a relationship with some other woman’s Husband! ADULTERY! Jesus Shouldn’t have even spoken to her! Jew’s don’t even normally walk down the Samaritan Road, But He did (Go Jesus for breaking out of the Normality of life back then.. aren’t we called to do that- that’s a WHOLE other blog). He seen the woman and asked her for a drink of water. She looked at Him “You are a Jew, and I am a Samaritan woman. Why are you asking me for a drink?” ( John 4:7-9) . Right there it shows me something completely different than what this story really says (or does it? ). I am no Bible scholar so I am just going to say what I feel in my spirit that God has been speaking to me through this woman’s story.

The Fact that Jesus walked up to this… this woman at the well on a Samaritan road that Jews do not normally walk on and Yet Jesus did, Just to ask for a Drink of water just gets me to the core. John 16-17 pretty much tells us that Jesus knows her, She didn’t have to say a thing to Him about her life and what she has done. She didn’t even try to plead her case to Him! What we all tend to do, She didn’t, she knew she was wrong in her ways and every one else did too, that’s why she had to go out to the well at noon on the hottest day of the year at the hottest point of the day, so that the people around her wouldn’t ridicule her. But Jesus didn’t! That’s my point right here! Jesus was able to look at her with Grace!!! Undeserved favor and love! He knew what she did, Knew she had 5 husbands and wasn’t even with a husband now! But He still went to her asked her for water!! How Beautiful is that!!!

That’s what He shows all of us Grace! Not saying we won’t have to pay the consequences for our actions, the cross covers sin not the consequences of sin. But He is there with us and loves us so much! And Beside The lord Disciplines those He loves! That’s what Grace is about! Another thing that Got me about Her story though, was not only did Jesus Show her grace, and love after all she had done, but also Jesus offered her a second Chance at life! Offered her living water so she wouldn’t have to be thirsty ever again. That’s what Jesus Died for after all, to give us life! Not to dwell in our mess-ups and faults. Or to beat ourselves up from all that we have done. But to except the fact that He is here for us! He LOVES us! He died to show us Grace and to give us a second, third, forth chance on life! John 10:10 “ I have come to give you lie and life abundantly” LOVE THAT!!

To go back to what I was saying before from the song-If grace is an ocean we’re all sinking. We are all given grace but its up to us to Choose to Grab that and the key thing is- NOT to Just Grab it but to let it Change us. Change who we are, who we are becoming! And to let it make us more like HIM! Everyday.

Its Grace that I am standing on! I shouldn’t be alive! And Yet I am… I haven’t exactly grabbed that yet. He Loves me and you so much, He doesn’t rank our sin and doesn’t throw us away like garbage but He gives us chance after Chance.

In true repentance run to Him and Let His love change you

-Tabitha