God's Greatest triumphed the toughest

Hi- Welcome. This is my Journey, my walk, and life from where I see it. I know life isn’t always easy and I know everyone has a story. In fact I love that God is working on us all. I love that God is bringing us all through something different because I am a firm believer that through OUR pain is someone else’s breakthrough. Trust me by those in my life and hearing there story- I would definitely NOT be the person I am today on any level. I am blessed beyond all reason. I’m not perfect. He’s still working on me. It’s been a beautiful Journey Thus far (notice how I didn’t say easy).  I just want to welcome you all aboard this life of mine and where I am at now. 

                  You see- when I was 16 I was Diagnosed with a seizure Disorder- Epilepsy. At first there was no known cause as most cases of Epilepsy. I went through a few Test after having just two seizures and was put on some medication and was told I wasn’t going to be allowed to drive. I wasn’t going to be allowed to swim. My youth Pastor at the time almost didn’t let me go to Youth conventions due to the activity of Seizures. Then I went through more seizures. I then had a pretty bad seizure while I was mailing something by myself at a post office- not including the many I’ve had at purity conferences and etc. It was a pretty Hectic few years. I was angry. I was frustrated. I then had more test done- more EEG’s, cat- scans, MRIs, some test that I can’t even tell you what it was except I had to stand strapped to a bed for 45 minutes ( not really my idea of fun.) Finally after all the test were complete I had another appointment with my neurologist- He said he had answers 1: my seizures were generalized. 2: my seizures were caused by swelling near/ around my hippocampus. He had then preceded to ask me if I have ever had some severe head trauma and of course I don’t ever remember anything. Then my mom speaks up and says well- she was hit by a car when she was younger and landed on her head and was pretty much lifeless on the ground. The neurologist then had many of his unanswered questions there. Yet I still have none of mine answered here. Why now? Why did none of this happen then? And etc. Well—all He could say is my Brain was trying to grow in that area and couldn’t properly resorting in permanent brain damage.—We found medication that worked first time around. Praise God. So I was on that for about 4 years. Till now…

I am now 21 years old. I work full time and am a full time training manager at Dairy Queen – yup I get to play with Chocolate and Ice cream all day J  Beginning of 2012 I started having horrible migraines to the point I couldn’t even get out of bed or where I would have to sit down immediately and just cover my face. I would get dizzy and nauseous. It would happen suddenly, I would wake up with it. I can not tell you how many time I would end up in the Hospital due to this. Id get a shot for pain and Zofran for Nausea. But it would get to the point nothing would help. Well in June 2012 I took to much Advil, NOT on purpose.  I had to go to the E.R immediately the headache wasn’t going away. I was throwing up. I was getting dizzy. I just knew something wasn’t right. I was taken straight back. My roommate was with me. The headache wasn’t easing up. I was taken back for a cat scan and then an MRI. When they received the results for both of them they found the swelling again and that I had possible lesions and bleeding around it as well. I was put on more medication and steroids to lesson the swelling and was taken back for more testing. I didn’t have bleeding but I do have lesions and swelling. I was told the fear for the swelling was it getting so severe of it compressing against my skull. That’s apparently no bueno. Ive been monitored ever since. Bad thing about all this is that its triggered more seizures. I’ve had minor ones—just passing out or just collapsing and going into blank stares to major ones--- passing out and completely going unconscious and seizing waking up and remembering nothing. I had a really bad one at work a month ago and I stopped breathing. I have an amazing manager and work staff who took care of me and called 911 right away but—the fact is I had one at work. Work hasn’t been the same. I haven’t been the same. Ive been really sick since then. I had another minor seizure at work 3 weeks after I stood up  and went right back to the ground. I was aware of what was going on but I played it off as if nothing was wrong. But I had to go home.  I don’t like being sick. Part of it is the meds part of it is just the seizures completely screwing up my head and body—and its hard for me to get anyone to understand that.  But it really does.  Since being so sick and seizures happening so frequently and not really having much support around me with it – ive been forced to either A: Stay in my room all the time B: Opt to go to the Bathroom of wherever I go all the time when Im sick or C: Suck it up and tell people about being sick despite the response I’d get from people… I’ve chose ALL  the options a lot.. Ill tell people but Ill still disappear to the bathroom,  and A when Im at Home  I just stay in my room- my family doesn’t really understand. Now by telling people—ive been overwhelmed by the support by some of my friends—especially with how much I have been in the hospital. This goes back to what I said earlier- I am so blessed. I’m still working on actually reaching out for help whenever it comes down to having a seizure in public. I’m praying that never happens. Because I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to- especially at church—as I said He is still working on me.

                  I’ve recently started a new medication- again. With hopes of it working. If not well the Lord apparently has better plans. Its just been so amazing to see how God has really been working on me through all this. Don’t get me wrong I still have my bad days- He’s still working on me. But I’m just so blessed that the Lord has chosen such a time as this--- my seizures have NEVER been this bad. And just a month ago after I stopped breathing during one at work I was SO angry and bitter and hated everything and spent nearly a week in and out of the hospital.  BUT it was after that- the Holy spirit just reminded me He is Holding me.  Like a Father holds His Daughter- He has me. He won’t let go. That its ok to be mad. Its ok to cry. Its ok to be sad. Its ok to be confused. But to let it go and Let him work in the midst of this. Im just like uhhh… uhhhh. Say what???? Yeah that’s right—no matter what your going through- no matter where your at, I’ve made a commitment to you and I will never let you go. Kick scream fight pout, give me the puppy dog face. It won’t work, but I won’t let go. I’m fighting for you, I will see you through. Stop fighting me. Stop running from me. Nothing you could do, can do, will do, could have done , will ever make me love you less. The blood has paid the price.

                  Did I tell you I was sick and the medication has been really screwing with me and has made me a really crabby person cause it has? I’m overwhelmed, I think doctors or some of the most irritating people in humanity ( maybe that’s to strong.. sorry) Im tired of test, im tired of I.Vs, I’m tired of being sick and being put on medication that makes me only sicker. Im on the verge or losing my job and practically everything else.  And before this gets to depressing I’m going to leave it off at well—YOU GET MY POINT J  All that Reminds me of Elijah.  He is a Strong man. Great man. God used Him. Worked through Him and you know what – EVEN God’s Greatest Hit rock bottom before climbing to the top.  From 1 Kings 17-19 it Talks about the encounter of Elijah and Baal that I’m going to talk about. You should go read it J.

 Elijah was a prophet and was completely in tune with the Holy Spirit in my opinion. I mean this Guy heard from Him and listened and totally had the fear of the Lord. I mean God used this man to raise a widows son back from the dead—No doubt in my mind God was using Him for something extravagant.  Then some stuff happened that Baal didn’t agree with and Baal decided she would send some people out to go and kill Elijah. What did Elijah do? I personally—if I had Elijahs kind of calling on my life—I would say “Bring it Baal—you can’t touch this ( I really hope all of you reading this are thinking of the song now)” .. I mean seriously this man raised someone from the DEAD!!!!!!! By  the POWER OF GOD he did it!!!!! But instead Elijah- did the opposite. He got scared and ran- He ran to a place called Beersheeba just inside Judah and sat down by a tree and prayed that he would die.   1 Kings 19:4 “Take my life Lord; I am no better than my ancestors.”….. Yeah to bad God did’t fall for that.

                   You see – this story has nothing to do with healing. Although yes I’m praying for healing.  I’m praying for answers. I would even be ok if I just found a drug that actually just worked with no side effects.  This story is more about redemption. This story is more about saying – yeah… buddy. I did screw up , big time but you know what God is good and it’s a new day time to start over.  Before I got sick. I was a miserable crabby person who just naturally complained about how much I hated life to begin with. It just naturally came to me. One thing went wrong—everything went wrong. The Lord really worked on me with that and FAST. No more black and white thinking. AMEN! That’s why I love how the Story of Elijah Ends. And why I think God keeps just reminding me of it so much—you see—Elijah ran and hide and threw a self pity party because something kinda went wrong—but look at all that God has for Him and all that God has and is doing through Him—clearly A lot. And or maybe my mind is just translating that wrong. But to me this dude is pretty amazing. Then you read on through 19:5 -15….. God never gave up. V.S. 5- God used and Angel to tell Him to get up and eat.   V.S 7. God Used an Angel a 2^nd time to tell him to get up and eat a 2^nd time to get up and go eat, and before you know it Hes hiking for 40 days and nights. ---- Needless to Say the Lord never Gave up on Him. He met Him where He was at and told him what He needed to do in His darkest hour.  Same thing he does to us. Story of redemption. Elijah went on later to lead Elisha. Amazing story in itself.  But if God would of just said.. welp you wannba wallow in self pitty by the tree have at it I’m done—so be it—who would have known how the          biblical times would have turned out.

So ending thoughts. – Yes—I’m sick. I’ve got a lot going on. Its not a pity party.

God is Good and faithful. His Promises are SO true. Rely on His strength not your own.

He NEVER lets go.

He will meet you where your at, no matter where that is, whether its an addiction an illness frustration financial issues, just let him. Trust him and choose Joy in the midst of it all. Theres no point in being upset in something you can’t change. Elijah Eventually Learned that. – He ended up with a successor.

With love y’all

Tabitha.                   

Real God, REAL LOVE

Pursuing Christ lately has not been on the top of my “To-do” list lately. To be honest I have completely pushed Him off to the side, sort of just to the Back burner of my life. I've found myself in this “Pit”. A “Pit” of just pretty much self hate,brokenness,hurt. I was just taking it all as it was being thrown at me. I Dug this whole deeper and deeper as time went by. This is the way the past almost two months have been. The lies that I have grabbed on to weren't making things better. Things telling me its not worth Going after such a powerful God,that it was pointless that I would keep messing up,would keep falling and tripping. That I couldn't put up the fight needed to get out of this mess. A verse came to my mind through all of this,

Matthew 10:38-39...

” Anyone who does not take up his cross and Follow me is not worthy of me, whoever finds his life will lose it and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it”

 I knew what it meant to “take up your cross”. To me it means take up everything that has ever been thrown at you, and take it to God and continue on with life, No matter how hard it gets just do it.

       I know the scripture and I know what I'm suppose to say. What it all comes down to is I know religion, But to say I knew (know) of this personal relationship with Christ, I would be lying. I mean dont get me wrong, I did have a relationship with God at one point but these past few months I have Just forgotten about and lost all focus of it. But before these past few months my relationship with Him was not the best,I wasn't honest with Him, I wasn't open, Now I know what I thought was there, wasn't real. I have not trusted Him the way I should, None of it. Now that I look back on it, it was the crappiest relationship ever. The cross I knew to take up and carry, even during the hard times, I threw Down and walked away. I stopped Going to church on Sundays, the Wednesday thing had just became a “ thing to do”.

         Last Night was different, my youth pastor didn't even continue on his thing with purity ( I'm not gonna lie, I was kinda happy about that), but he went somewhere new. I can't remember everything he had said but, one thing I do remember was the verse Philippians 1:6 ( someone had actually sent this to me about a week ago but I was like whatever it didn't make sense to me then).

“Being confident of this, He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

After He used that verse ( he said it like twice),I just said oh my gosh. What the heck have I been doing. He just kept going on about his dreams he had and where God has him, and how it wasn't because of his WISDOM or his KNOWLEDGE, but because of the Lords.

      Let me first say, I didn't want to be there that night. I was sick and not feeling all that up to par, but I still went. After he was done saying everything I heard something I have not heard in a long time. I just cried, I didn't even know why I was crying. I just was, but it wasn't over anything I had going on or anything I was thinking, But the tears Just flowed, But I finally heard from God. It was more clear and Loud than ever. I wasn't even looking for a meet with Him, I wanted to meet with Him, I wanted to find him again,but I had gave up on it. But He found me, I wasn't doing anything, just sitting there against the wall, way in the back.He said

“Tabitha, Your hear because its real, your hear because You want to see me in a real way, a NEW way, and well here I am. I want you to learn how to be real, with me, with yourself,and with those around you. Its ok not to be OK all the time. What your Going through isn't for forever. Let me help you, Let me In. Let me teach you REAL love, Love that doesn't hurt. TRUST ME!

         I just cried more, it was almost like it was all new to me but at the same time, i knew it all. ( sorry if I'm not making much sense). It said so much to me, and made some stuff finally hit home. I'm not gonna say I'm good,I'm fine or I'm all better, but I have something Firm, and REAL to stand on. I found, No wait, God found me. What he has started, Hes gonna finish. No matter what it takes. I may fail at first but I know God is gonna get me through this. I'm gonna move forward NO matter what it takes.

1 Peter 5:8-10 says:

“Be self-controlled and alert, Your enemy the Devil, prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to Devour. Resist Him standing firm in faith, because you know your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all Grace who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will make you strong firm and steadfast.

I'm not gonna lie, the enemy had me down, and almost defeated. I have been listening to all his stupid lies long enough. Faith, These amazing few people God has recently placed in my life, thats whats gonna get me through this. All of everyones prayers thats why I'm where I'm at right now.

      I know and fully aware of the Road ahead. Its not gonna be an easy one, but I now have a rock to stand on. I see it, I know its here! I'm not gonna sink anymore.

Beauty of His Grace

Lately I've been thinking about Grace and the meaning of it. Through that, I have come to the realization that so often we forget about it.


Grace, its a 5 letter word. And yet it means SO much and as said before we sit back in the comfortable life that we tend to live and don't really pay much attention to it. Well this morning it hit me that some people don't understand the meaning of it.

You see, I was listening to "How He loves" by Kim walker and my younger sister had stated " I don't get it, I don’t understand it - We are his portion and he is our prize,Drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes ,
If grace is an ocean we’re all sinking- that makes no sense! .” I was caught off guard, I know it’s a song and she may not have understood it but our conversation carried beyond that. I had told her it was talking about Grace the response to me saying that was – “and your point is”.

I began thinking and continued playing- How can someone just say that about Grace! God’s GRACE at that. We don’t deserve it but yet its given to us ALL. I personally think that because so many people do not get it , and do not “believe” in Grace (for lack of a better word) it’s what causes us to run from God, the very one who gives it to us and also the very one who gives us life.

Grace is the undeserved favor of God. Get that- UNDESERVED. Which means when we screw up, when we fall, when we sin, God should just tell us YOU’RE A SCREW UP! YOUR NOTHING! I DON’T EVER WANT YOU!!! YOU’RE WORTHLESS NOW!!! But the truth is He does the complete opposite. When we do everything that doesn’t necessarily glorify God, He still loves us. He still is there with open arms waiting for us to Return and to forgive us and to help us get back on track. Why you ask? Because His love is never-ending and nothing can separate us from that! Romans 8:38-39 -And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord”. It clearly states that.

I am brought to the story of the Samaritan woman at the well. She was married five times and then she was in a relationship with some other woman’s Husband! ADULTERY! Jesus Shouldn’t have even spoken to her! Jew’s don’t even normally walk down the Samaritan Road, But He did (Go Jesus for breaking out of the Normality of life back then.. aren’t we called to do that- that’s a WHOLE other blog). He seen the woman and asked her for a drink of water. She looked at Him “You are a Jew, and I am a Samaritan woman. Why are you asking me for a drink?” ( John 4:7-9) . Right there it shows me something completely different than what this story really says (or does it? ). I am no Bible scholar so I am just going to say what I feel in my spirit that God has been speaking to me through this woman’s story.

The Fact that Jesus walked up to this… this woman at the well on a Samaritan road that Jews do not normally walk on and Yet Jesus did, Just to ask for a Drink of water just gets me to the core. John 16-17 pretty much tells us that Jesus knows her, She didn’t have to say a thing to Him about her life and what she has done. She didn’t even try to plead her case to Him! What we all tend to do, She didn’t, she knew she was wrong in her ways and every one else did too, that’s why she had to go out to the well at noon on the hottest day of the year at the hottest point of the day, so that the people around her wouldn’t ridicule her. But Jesus didn’t! That’s my point right here! Jesus was able to look at her with Grace!!! Undeserved favor and love! He knew what she did, Knew she had 5 husbands and wasn’t even with a husband now! But He still went to her asked her for water!! How Beautiful is that!!!

That’s what He shows all of us Grace! Not saying we won’t have to pay the consequences for our actions, the cross covers sin not the consequences of sin. But He is there with us and loves us so much! And Beside The lord Disciplines those He loves! That’s what Grace is about! Another thing that Got me about Her story though, was not only did Jesus Show her grace, and love after all she had done, but also Jesus offered her a second Chance at life! Offered her living water so she wouldn’t have to be thirsty ever again. That’s what Jesus Died for after all, to give us life! Not to dwell in our mess-ups and faults. Or to beat ourselves up from all that we have done. But to except the fact that He is here for us! He LOVES us! He died to show us Grace and to give us a second, third, forth chance on life! John 10:10 “ I have come to give you lie and life abundantly” LOVE THAT!!

To go back to what I was saying before from the song-If grace is an ocean we’re all sinking. We are all given grace but its up to us to Choose to Grab that and the key thing is- NOT to Just Grab it but to let it Change us. Change who we are, who we are becoming! And to let it make us more like HIM! Everyday.

Its Grace that I am standing on! I shouldn’t be alive! And Yet I am… I haven’t exactly grabbed that yet. He Loves me and you so much, He doesn’t rank our sin and doesn’t throw us away like garbage but He gives us chance after Chance.

In true repentance run to Him and Let His love change you

-Tabitha