Hi- Welcome. This is my
Journey, my walk, and life from where I see it. I know life isn’t always easy
and I know everyone has a story. In fact I love that God is working on us all.
I love that God is bringing us all through something different because I am a
firm believer that through OUR pain is someone else’s breakthrough. Trust me by
those in my life and hearing there story- I would definitely NOT be the person
I am today on any level. I am blessed beyond all reason. I’m not perfect. He’s
still working on me. It’s been a beautiful Journey Thus far (notice how I
didn’t say easy). I just want to welcome
you all aboard this life of mine and where I am at now.
You see- when I was 16 I was Diagnosed with a
seizure Disorder- Epilepsy. At first there was no known cause as most cases of
Epilepsy. I went through a few Test after having just two seizures and was put
on some medication and was told I wasn’t going to be allowed to drive. I wasn’t
going to be allowed to swim. My youth Pastor at the time almost didn’t let me
go to Youth conventions due to the activity of Seizures. Then I went through
more seizures. I then had a pretty bad seizure while I was mailing something by
myself at a post office- not including the many I’ve had at purity conferences
and etc. It was a pretty Hectic few years. I was angry. I was frustrated. I
then had more test done- more EEG’s, cat- scans, MRIs, some test that I can’t
even tell you what it was except I had to stand strapped to a bed for 45
minutes ( not really my idea of fun.) Finally after all the test were complete
I had another appointment with my neurologist- He said he had answers 1: my
seizures were generalized. 2: my seizures were caused by swelling near/ around
my hippocampus. He had then preceded to ask me if I have ever had some severe
head trauma and of course I don’t ever remember anything. Then my mom speaks up
and says well- she was hit by a car when she was younger and landed on her head
and was pretty much lifeless on the ground. The neurologist then had many of his
unanswered questions there. Yet I still have none of mine answered here. Why
now? Why did none of this happen then? And etc. Well—all He could say is my
Brain was trying to grow in that area and couldn’t properly resorting in
permanent brain damage.—We found medication that worked first time around.
Praise God. So I was on that for about 4 years. Till now…
I am now 21 years old. I work
full time and am a full time training manager at Dairy Queen – yup I get to
play with Chocolate and Ice cream all day J Beginning of 2012 I started having horrible
migraines to the point I couldn’t even get out of bed or where I would have to
sit down immediately and just cover my face. I would get dizzy and nauseous. It
would happen suddenly, I would wake up with it. I can not tell you how many
time I would end up in the Hospital due to this. Id get a shot for pain and
Zofran for Nausea. But it would get to the point nothing would help. Well in
June 2012 I took to much Advil, NOT on purpose.
I had to go to the E.R immediately the headache wasn’t going away. I was
throwing up. I was getting dizzy. I just knew something wasn’t right. I was
taken straight back. My roommate was with me. The headache wasn’t easing up. I
was taken back for a cat scan and then an MRI. When they received the results
for both of them they found the swelling again and that I had possible lesions
and bleeding around it as well. I was put on more medication and steroids to
lesson the swelling and was taken back for more testing. I didn’t have bleeding
but I do have lesions and swelling. I was told the fear for the swelling was it
getting so severe of it compressing against my skull. That’s apparently no
bueno. Ive been monitored ever since. Bad thing about all this is that its
triggered more seizures. I’ve had minor ones—just passing out or just
collapsing and going into blank stares to major ones--- passing out and
completely going unconscious and seizing waking up and remembering nothing. I
had a really bad one at work a month ago and I stopped breathing. I have an
amazing manager and work staff who took care of me and called 911 right away
but—the fact is I had one at work. Work hasn’t been the same. I haven’t been
the same. Ive been really sick since then. I had another minor seizure at work
3 weeks after I stood up and went right
back to the ground. I was aware of what was going on but I played it off as if
nothing was wrong. But I had to go home.
I don’t like being sick. Part of it is the meds part of it is just the
seizures completely screwing up my head and body—and its hard for me to get
anyone to understand that. But it really
does. Since being so sick and seizures
happening so frequently and not really having much support around me with it –
ive been forced to either A: Stay in my room all the time B: Opt to go to the
Bathroom of wherever I go all the time when Im sick or C: Suck it up and tell
people about being sick despite the response I’d get from people… I’ve chose
ALL the options a lot.. Ill tell people
but Ill still disappear to the bathroom,
and A when Im at Home I just stay
in my room- my family doesn’t really understand. Now by telling people—ive been
overwhelmed by the support by some of my friends—especially with how much I
have been in the hospital. This goes back to what I said earlier- I am so
blessed. I’m still working on actually reaching out for help whenever it comes
down to having a seizure in public. I’m praying that never happens. Because I’m
not sure I’ll ever be able to- especially at church—as I said He is still working
on me.
I’ve recently started a new medication- again. With
hopes of it working. If not well the Lord apparently has better plans. Its just
been so amazing to see how God has really been working on me through all this.
Don’t get me wrong I still have my bad days- He’s still working on me. But I’m
just so blessed that the Lord has chosen such a time as this--- my seizures
have NEVER been this bad. And just a month ago after I stopped breathing during
one at work I was SO angry and bitter and hated everything and spent nearly a
week in and out of the hospital. BUT it
was after that- the Holy spirit just reminded me He is Holding me. Like a Father holds His Daughter- He has me.
He won’t let go. That its ok to be mad. Its ok to cry. Its ok to be sad. Its ok
to be confused. But to let it go and Let him work in the midst of this. Im just
like uhhh… uhhhh. Say what???? Yeah that’s right—no matter what your going
through- no matter where your at, I’ve made a commitment to you and I will
never let you go. Kick scream fight pout, give me the puppy dog face. It won’t
work, but I won’t let go. I’m fighting for you, I will see you through. Stop
fighting me. Stop running from me. Nothing you could do, can do, will do, could
have done , will ever make me love you less. The blood has paid the price.
Did I tell you I was sick and the medication has
been really screwing with me and has made me a really crabby person cause it
has? I’m overwhelmed, I think doctors or some of the most irritating people in
humanity ( maybe that’s to strong.. sorry) Im tired of test, im tired of I.Vs,
I’m tired of being sick and being put on medication that makes me only sicker.
Im on the verge or losing my job and practically everything else. And before this gets to depressing I’m going
to leave it off at well—YOU GET MY POINT J All that Reminds me of Elijah. He is a Strong man. Great man. God used Him.
Worked through Him and you know what – EVEN God’s Greatest Hit rock bottom
before climbing to the top. From 1 Kings
17-19 it Talks about the encounter of Elijah and Baal that I’m going to talk
about. You should go read it J.
Elijah was a prophet and was completely in
tune with the Holy Spirit in my opinion. I mean this Guy heard from Him and
listened and totally had the fear of the Lord. I mean God used this man to
raise a widows son back from the dead—No doubt in my mind God was using Him for
something extravagant. Then some stuff
happened that Baal didn’t agree with and Baal decided she would send some
people out to go and kill Elijah. What did Elijah do? I personally—if I had
Elijahs kind of calling on my life—I would say “Bring it Baal—you can’t touch
this ( I really hope all of you reading this are thinking of the song now)” ..
I mean seriously this man raised someone from the DEAD!!!!!!! By the POWER OF GOD he did it!!!!! But instead
Elijah- did the opposite. He got scared and ran- He ran to a place called
Beersheeba just inside Judah and sat down by a tree and prayed that he would
die. 1 Kings 19:4 “Take my life Lord; I
am no better than my ancestors.”….. Yeah to bad God did’t fall for that.
You see –
this story has nothing to do with healing. Although yes I’m praying for
healing. I’m praying for answers. I
would even be ok if I just found a drug that actually just worked with no side
effects. This story is more about
redemption. This story is more about saying – yeah… buddy. I did screw up , big
time but you know what God is good and it’s a new day time to start over. Before I got sick. I was a miserable crabby
person who just naturally complained about how much I hated life to begin with.
It just naturally came to me. One thing went wrong—everything went wrong. The
Lord really worked on me with that and FAST. No more black and white thinking.
AMEN! That’s why I love how the Story of Elijah Ends. And why I think God keeps
just reminding me of it so much—you see—Elijah ran and hide and threw a self
pity party because something kinda went wrong—but look at all that God has for
Him and all that God has and is doing through Him—clearly A lot. And or maybe
my mind is just translating that wrong. But to me this dude is pretty amazing.
Then you read on through 19:5 -15….. God never gave up. V.S. 5- God used and
Angel to tell Him to get up and eat. V.S
7. God Used an Angel a 2nd time to tell him to get up and eat a 2nd
time to get up and go eat, and before you know it Hes hiking for 40 days and
nights. ---- Needless to Say the Lord never Gave up on Him. He met Him where He
was at and told him what He needed to do in His darkest hour. Same thing he does to us. Story of
redemption. Elijah went on later to lead Elisha. Amazing story in itself. But if God would of just said.. welp you wannba
wallow in self pitty by the tree have at it I’m done—so be it—who would have
known how the biblical times
would have turned out.
So ending thoughts. – Yes—I’m
sick. I’ve got a lot going on. Its not a pity party.
God is Good and faithful. His
Promises are SO true. Rely on His strength not your own.
He NEVER lets go.
He will meet you where your
at, no matter where that is, whether its an addiction an illness frustration
financial issues, just let him. Trust him and choose Joy in the midst of it
all. Theres no point in being upset in something you can’t change. Elijah
Eventually Learned that. – He ended up with a successor.
With love y’all
Tabitha.
