The unexposed heart

As a Christian I'm not suppose to be afraid.

As a Christian I'm not suppose to lie.

Tonight Im saying I'm a Christian. I love Jesus. I go church. I serve. Etc. I know it isn't even about all of that! But its about what God is doing in your heart. If you could see me writing this right now you would see my hand is on my chest and my face and iPad are covered in tears. I only give you the details through writing because I truly just....want you to hear me. I be negative in my account and serve My church or the food bank and not have any fear in the world, any worry. Any doubt, because everything will work out in the end! I could be workings with teenage girls who have the lowest self esteem issues you can imagine – who in the end talk about you instead of thanking you, but it doesn't phase me because I know in the end they will see God and meet Him in a way that will be change their life. I pray not stop for those will scars to their elbows that they realize that Jesus' scars were enough. I pray for the girls look for the fulfillment in that "perfect" guys hug, or the kiss. Honey- he ain't perfect!!! Jesus is and until you get that all your ever going to find is failure and deceit. For the guys- I pray they Learn how to respect a lady. But more importantly, you learn how to love Jesus you'll Learn how to love a lady. Now I could do this all night. Praise God!!

Now--as said Before as a Christian I'm not suppose to be afraid. As a Christian, I'm not suppose to Lie. To BOTH very hard issues to hit.

Well I'm not. Early today somebody I trust and Love asked me How I was. I lied. I straight up totally was like "I'm fine." Due to the fact of the setting we were in, I did t want to "unload" on them. I lied. Plus they were busy. But in all reality I think I'm just giving myself an excuse.

Truth be told - I'm scared out of my mind. Tomorrow I go for an MRI. I'm allergic or have some kinda reaction to this contrast they use. This MRI is going to tell us a lot- if not everything and more. It's a higher Tesla which means a higher magnet. I don't do well with them. It's taken literally 3 months to get this thing scheduled. Due to insurance and doctors. I also meet with two more doctors tomorrow. A neurologist. I have what's called generalized right sided weakness.- I have something up with a cranial nerve on the right side of my brain. I find out if its a therapeutic fix or uhm a different type of brain surgery tomorrow. Then my epileptologist.

I'm scared, because since winter Jams seizures Ive been sick. Scared because I feel like this is getting worse. I feel like nobody knows what to do. My last appointment my blood pressure was lower than normal. I feel like I'm actually scaring people. I'm learning about those I can trust and appreciate more and more in my life. All I can do is - do it scared and trust Him in the midst of this. Because it sucks. It's hard. It's really hard. But God is able and has done far more in my life than I have ever been able too. But yes- I'm scared. Yes. Sometimes I feel like nobody gets it. Because I realize they can't. But Im so incredibly blessed. Blessed by those who hold on right along side me. Blessed by all Gods given me. Blessed because I know there is hope.


Best believe there is Hope.

"Let me be singing when the evening comes"

Man-- It's a hard night: I really do NOT feel right at all. I keep smelling this smell ( it's not me I showered haha - ok so maybe I should stop Joking about this.) I keep getting the metal taste. I actually woke up due to it. I went to bed four hours ago!!!!!! Now I am up writing a dumb blog. I have a headache ( yet I have headphones in, I do this a lot-- drowns out the pounding throbbing a little.-- again I should probably BE more serious which I tend to not be.) Then I have been getting like weird dizzy all night-- I'm night Dehydrated- it's a weird dizzy. Like I get this weird stomach thing at the same time. And I swear when it Happens it's like the freakin room contorts and makes me feel like I'm going crazy. All night. These headaches will stop then happen. Then stop. Then come back like a head of elephants through my head ( ok my lingo is definitely giving it away that I'm frustrated.)
I am fruatrated. I'm annoyed. I don't feel good. For once I would like a cold. A cough. A sinus infection. Something normal???? Explaining to people I have a seizure Disorder is a little messed up. I'm hitting a point with the Cleveland clinic a where they are annoying me. They aren't listening to me. I just-- I just need then to listen. I just need the Doctor to fully listen instead of coming up with every secondary pathological answer to diagnose me because you don't know what else to say because you won't fully listen. They won't listen. They just won't. I've been through meds that have worked but have had horrible side effects then I've had drugs that my body had just completely rejected. Then there has been meds where my body done awesome on!!! We know the Epilepsy is intractable --- nothing can be done stop trying to play God!!!
I'm frustrated because Honestly-- I'm scared. I'm scares it's coming to a worsening point for me. I'm scared it's coming to a point that nothing can be done with out serious risks. Surgery etc i don't want to do cause there are such serious risk. I just want these freakin Doctors to hear me out. Because I know more can be done. They have till April 15. To decide what to do. I have appointments every week for the next 5 weeks. Next week- I go for a new mRI because only after MONTHS of me telling them did they finally look at my hippocampus and BAM they found sclerosis the #1 cause to intractable Epilepsy. Really??!?? Now were looking for atrophy and some volume thing. I also now have to meet with a normal neuro because I have a Cranial Nerve Problem. Something is wrong with my entire Rights side of my body. This is my brain!!! This is my Brain!!!!!!!!! My main control system!!! Something goes Wrong with that something is wrong with me!!!!! :/ I am scared. I'm scared because I don't know what to even say. I'm afraid these doctors are just as tired of me as I of them. I just want my life back. I want everything back. My account is negative! I want my own home again! I want to be independent again!!! I want to support me! Not everyone and there mom!

I'm blessed I'm so honored to have what people I do and friends. God is Faithful. So so so faithful. This has not broken me has it changed me ? Yes completely-- it's scared me to... But God who is Completely 100% able did not give me a spirit of fear but a spirit of love of Power and of Sound mind!!!! No matter where I am at!!!! I have to hold on to that!!!!!


So tonight I'm singing...

" bless The Lord Oh my soul, ohh my soul. Worship His holy name! Sing like never before! Worship your Holy name"

Compliant v.s Complacency

We can - in any situation become - Compliant. Complacent. or Just flat out complaining.

When I was praying yesterday and heard the word "compliant" I was a little caught off guard and confused. I just googled the word for fun. Compliant means to be ready, or disposed to comply. Another definition was to submit. -- Hmm? Submit. Now Submit means to " yield or surrender to the power or authority of another." So Hold on to that while we keep going :)

Now - Complacent: marked by "SELF-satisfaction" especially when accompanied by unawareness of actual dangers or deficiencies." -- its means you have come to a comfortable place and your ok with it. Your ok with how you are, how you act, how you treat people etc.

Then Complaining is " to express dissatisfaction, pain, uneasiness, censure, resentment, or grief constantly" - seriously? I think everyone knows what complaining is.

Now- now that I put that all out there for you lets pull it all together. I'm gonna work backwards. :)

So often we become focused on something that is wrong. "Thats wrong" "The music is to loud" " they did this" or " this is that" we COMPLAIN about something. Then we have those who are just naturals at complaining about problems. Then have become so COMPLACENT in their ways they don't even realize it. They are ok with where they are at. They love God- Go to church on Sundays, yet don't make and intentional encounter with who God is to truly make a change.

Theres more to life than to where you are at. There is more to life than to where your sitting. Whether its the same pew, chair, or classroom every sunday. Heck- maybe its down to that same BORING lunch you pack everyday. God is calling you to more- something more intentional, something REAL with Him. He doesn't relent till He has it all. I'm reminded of Jesus Calling the Disciples. They were Just ordinary people like you and I but they were all called to something more intentional, something higher. Something bigger than themselves.

Key to that though was submitting what God. Being compliant. Being in complete surrender. Giving up everything you want for what God wants for you. James and John left their father (Matthew 4:18-22) Peter and Andrew left there nets they were using to cast to catch fish. Jesus legit Told them they were going to be more than just "fishermen" but they were going to " Fisher of men' if they were going to follow Him. Then there was Matthew- a tax collector. Just because He was a sinner didn't mean Jesus was giving up on Him nor leaving Him-- so Matthew went with Him.you seen the change.

God has called us all to be a disciple I believe. He has called us all to change the world around us. He has called us all to wake the world around us to life abundantly that God had come to give us- but we can only do that if we let Him do that through us. Because its not about us. Not about what we have done but all about what He is doing and wants to do. So get off your high horse, its not about what you want, your problems, fears, struggles, etc- maybe they arent about you. Maybe they are to serve a greater purpose. Stop complaining and Start praying.

I've Got sunshine on a cloudy day :)

Good morning from Rainy Cleveland. Its Cloudy and gross and it gives every person every reason to have a bad day.

Am I right? I know I wasn't exactly having the greatest start to the day either-- or the past few days. I have been struggling. Struggling with a stuff that I don't know how to talk about. Stuff that people don't understand. Stuff that scares people away. Stuff that scares me. Stuff that I don't understand,yet walk around talking about as if I can answer every question about and yet I may be able to, but I can't fully tell you why because I don't know why.

That has been the past few days for me- I skipped a bible study (not the end of the world) and just hung out with a friend. It was well overdo. I needed to pull myself together and think and pray and just be. Not overthink anything, not get any crazy advice from anyone, but just be and throw a little fun in the mix of it. I love my life, my friends, everything. I am so incredibly blessed. I am--- Let me explain a few things to you.

Yesterday- I was praying about my situation with work, life, health etc. Sunday- I heard a very inspiring message and just altogether was very great day. I was able to see a college friend kick off a church in my hometown-- Just my heart is there. But the pastor was talking about how we don't necessarily understand whats going on for us because it may not be for us -- but for those around us. To show them the Love of Jesus through us and in us. To just Hold on. uhm? Yeah. That is Hard. But Today that Reality sat in and sat in clear.

I realized I have but NO choice to live my life a little differently. Everything is going to have to be done a little--- differently. I am opting for the time being to give up the idea of driving. I am 22 years old. Just 9 months ago I was able to buy a car was FINALLY able to get my license had my own apartment etc. Now Im a 22 year old living with a family that took me in, I am on medical leave from work till may, I my apartment, I cant even pay for medication until work is figured out. Thats negative crap right? yeah I know. I am by no means saying this as pity party for me. or a poor Tabitha. NO. because I am alive. By the Grace of God I am a live and guess what He is STILL providing for me I am actually loving this time off work because it gives me more ministry time.I get to serve more. I get more opportunities opened up to me!!! God is SO faithful.

There is a hindrance yes. I cant do everything I want do,to not driving. But- I make it work. God makes it work. I am so blessed with wonderful church. Im finding new ways to make things happen and God just-- Keeps blowing my mind. :) I am so excited to whats to come. So excited for whats to come in Cleveland. and Northeast,Ohio. I grew up in youth group at the age of 15 saying I was going to be a world changer. Till this day--- I still believe God has called me to that

So yes. I've Got sunshine on cloudy day!!!