Let your Pain empower your Passion

" Let your Pain empower your Passion"

If I could go to columbus this weekend and hear this guy speak I would. You see. I simply read this, this morning and have not been able to forget about it.

its been hard to write a REAL update. Something not full of cliches. Truths. Yes. But something I know I just- it just didn't feel right. From Sunday nigh till now has been fully of so many ups and downs.

Sunday was just an all around amazing day of worship and hearing from God. I wasn't on the schedule to serve anywhere, I was open to it but did not end up doing it. I was just there. I got a little dizzy and shaky during service but for the most part I was ok. Then Had lunch with my friend and etc. Sunday night came--and WOW!!!!!!!--- amazing Worship. Everything. Just. I. Can't even put it into words. And Then I I didnt feel so great--- so I stepped out an was praying but I needed to. BUT-- it was perfect. God was able to speak directly to me about speaking at exit the following tuesday. and so when I came back in I walked up for prayer. I don't normally do that- but with speaking tuesday i just wanted to make sure I was on the same page with God. My first time and I was really nervous. Well I was praying from afar for my friends and then I talked to someone-- well I didn't know this person. She didn't know me. All i can say she was spot on with quite a bit. ok maybe everything. It was crazy. All i wanted prayer for was for speaking on tueday and then more kept coming. out of me and her.
Something that was really cool was that she knew that I wanted another tattoo-- and God had showed her something of a bird or a tree. Everyone knows I want a tree as my next one :) Theres more that she said but the tree thing and tattoo is what i want to hold onto right now. I have everything written down. A while back I wrote something on Instagram about the Cleveland Clinic and the Glowy light tree thing ( i love my choice of wording there) means a lot to me. Brings peace and Joy and Hope to every wretched horrible appointment everytime I have to go there- Especially Alone. Even though I know we NEVER EVER EVER walk alone. and I am apart of a wonderful group from a wonderful church-- but somedays-- ill be honest im realizing i dont want to talk to them i just want to sit back and write to jesus. The Tree at the Cleveland clinic is something is not something found just at the cleveland clinic but trees are everywhere. A reminder to be rooted and built up in who HE is and what HE has for you. such a blessing
You see I sat next to that tree for a while and just stared at it this past tuesday. Why you ask? Well-- Sunday was awesome- Monday was Great- I just turned 22- my friends surprised me with a great birthday. I got an ipad. i brought it in with some of the greatest people i could ask for. Tuesday morning came -- I had to be up and ready and down by the Cleveland Clinic by 8 a.m. I chose to go alone. I cant handle going with some people and then I cant handle really going alone but going alone outweighs the other. I found out Im being readmitted for a week. I have to just take it easy. I told them I was flying in two weeks- she said- make sure your meds are regulated please. and ive learned when my doctor is concerned her tone of voice really changes. and usually when she gives up on a situation and doesnt care because she knows im going to do what i want anyway - she jsut doesnt look at me. and stays stearn or laughs. im very observant. I see her every 2 weeks. You pick these things up. I got really upset/ frustrated when she told me they officially decided to admit me. She said ASAP. I said. NO. -- I dont do very well with these alone. i wasnt mean. i promise. just didnt want to. but we talked and i agreed. my insurance is covering it and and Im doing it. :( they want to get an video eeg done again along with an MRI while in the unit. but they already know i have a problem pressing the "button" so we will see how this goes. that was a rough morning. Later on that evening I found out i had to speak. I was totallyy God-- I just prayed Prayed his will be done.i had NO idea how I was going to do it. and I think He did what He needed. i was so blessed!

then Wednesday-- wednesday came- sigh. The very man who encouraged me without questioning me. we prayed. we cried. We talked of Heaven an Hell and Jesus. at 5 pm my sister called me at work after everyone had tried all day to get ahold of me and told me my brother and mom found my Grandpa Dead. My Grandpa had lived with me since i was in 6th Grade. It hurt. It hurts still shall i say. my family is hurting like ive never seen. He is the one man you thought would live forever. I mean He was a freakin champ!!!!! He was on a ventilator for... well years. since before he moved in with me. an just he had a trache. all this stuff and still functioned pretty fine. pretty normal for his condition.

To say the least He is gone. God called Him home. This week has beeen hard on me. emotionally. physically. etc.

like i said I have had a hard time posting all week. But when I read that point this morning it sparked something in me. Made me think. I know where My joy comes from. I know when i get up-- its a blessing. The last time I was in the hospital I was going through the book of Colossians and was really stuck on chapter 4. You see Paul is writing to the different churches from Prison.--- and He was telling them to " Remember His chains" - That even though He is in Prison he is STILL! going to choose to live out His ministry! Why? because the grace of god is Him and has given him what he needs Just as he will you. ...

No matter where your at. No matter what your facing. chains. sickess. remember paul. thats its. Dont fall back. Gods given you desires and passions for a reason. and sometimes your greatest message will come out of your deepest failure.

The Beauty of Life

I haven't posted in a few days so I - figured its time for a post. Not a negative pointless one either.

You see I could complain- we all could. About this or that- how this isn't working out right, how that fell apart. How that person did this. So on and so forth. But I want to solely focus on the good. How blessed I am.

Nobody comes from a perfect family :) your probably wondering why I put a smiley face? Because it means that YOU, the one thinking about how messed up your family is, or how messed up you are or how you've messed up your family--- yeah your not alone. You see- were not because on some level we all have some sort of dysfunction.

As a teenager I had a lot of ... Problems. LOL to say the least. I caused a lot if problems. But as I grew up and grew away from that area of life I realized I was not the only one like that. A lot of people had problems to. Family problems friend problems. Health problems. Etc.

Through all that though God... God is a God of Restoration- a God of Hope.

This past week I experienced something I've never experienced. My family. MY family came together. We sat together. We ate together. We joked together. We had talked. Shared life. Something so -- I've prayed for for YEARS, is a relationship with my sister. A strong one. A solid one. A relationship with my mom. Although I know we still have a ways to go. A lot of healing etc. God is a God of Restoration and Hope.

Well- my little sister and I get a long well. My brother and I get along well. Over the past few months. - my Older sister and I have been talking :) like Talking talking. About Faith. Life. And ETC. we had a few tics but who doesn't? Trust me it's way better than it's ever been.
Right after my Neice was born she started talking to me about Baby Dediations and how she could do it and what it was about and we started talking and before you knew it- Journey was having Baby Defications and She was signing up.

I can't tell you the last time my family has done anything together as a family. But this really brought us together:) they talked about the service more than I did, I felt kinda bad. But Everyone was there- after years and years of prayers and almost giving up, we had two lines of chairs taken up at Journey-- it was really hard for me to worship at first, I didn't want to make them feel awkward- but I said to myself it not about them it's about who HE is and what HE is doing.
Bella- means heroin , but it also means Gods promise- and something hit me when I remembered that--- Gods Promises never return void. They are always true to His word. That little Girl- is going to be something Great- I'm praying for her and Have been. That day she was dedicated to God and Sam and Macho brought her forward ... Was huge. Big step. :) greater things are yet to come.

Hello World :)

I'm up at the weirdest hour of the night writing on a blog I said I never would write on. I'm getting better at this though. I'm starting to like it to.

You see- for years I use to be the type of person that would broadcast every detail of my life to any person that would get close to me. Over the Past few years though I've pushed just about every person away and stopped telling anyone anything because I've realized just How unhealthy that really was. I was a STUPID STUPID teenager. To say the very least. Now I've done the complete opposite--- its been uncomfortable for people to HAVE to know whats going on. I push people away and only tell those closest everything and that's like- 3 people. Literally  And one of them I only tell because well-- someone how She became part of my life because she understood and most of the time I feel bad- but she understands.-- not like because she gets it but because shes been through school and all this stuff and knows about some of this stuff. So yeah- she gets it- the meds, the DR lingo, all of it. I feel normal for once when I talk to them. Does it stop me from Praying? Nope. Because trust me it hasn't I'm here today. I'm standing. and Stronger than I ever have been.

. I know everyone else means well but  I've stopped talking to them. Or I've learned to change the subject. You see- everyone Else I feel like its a burden or they don't get it and its a problem. Or they just don't want to hear about it unless they ask. If they don't ask. I don't tell. Or as I've said before they are afraid of me-- like I'm some kind of monster. 

I'm a Strong woman. I've learned this too. Normally-- I don't say that. Normally. I would throw my white flag up and curl up in a ball and say I quit. But I'm NOT. I refuse to. I can't. I won't. God's brought me way to freakin far to let the enemy break me now. I may be sick. I may have days where I get weak. But then- that's when I have to look up for myself. When I personally have to choose to get up off my butt! ( yes I just said butt get over it) and get on my knees and pray and do something about it. I remember hearing something a while back- " you don't need a third party to talk to God when you can talk to him for yourself"---  I don't necessarily verbalize my prayers and I'll be honest, Ill sing and dance and cry and  I'll write. I write and talk to God all at once. That's how I talk to God. Everyone is different. This ... this Journey I've been blessed to be on has changed me. Has changed my way of dealing with people, working with people, talking to people, addressing people, talking to my FAMILY.  let me tell you-- its been HARD. I've had days I've wanted to flush my meds. I've had days I've wanted to just curl up in a ball and cry. I've had days where I have done nothing but cry. But there's been one thing that's been consistent in all this-- HIM. He hasn't left. Even though I've been -- everywhere. literally. on the charts from moods to sickness to everything. God is still God and still capable of doing what He is does. even when I suck. He doesn't change. He never fails. He is God! He just is!!!!  I'm only strong because of HIM! because He has shown Grace and Mercy on my life through so much and put the people in my life He has to continue to influence me to rely on HIM AND HIS GRACE and His strength and His comfort to get through this. Because there is no other way I'd get through this. NONE. ZERO!!!

Tonight- I'm writing this because I'm extremely thankful. thankful that I have the opportunity to pick up the bible. to Text my friends.Thankful I have friends who are real and straight up with me when I am out of line. That I have Pastors and a Church that blesses me so much. Lifes not always easy. Everyone deals with something. Everyone Has a Story. I learned Last night- My RA from College Little sister had a kidney Transplant a while back and is now having some complications from it and all this time I thought this Girl was one of the strongest/perfect people I know. She has a story. Her family's courage and strength and dependence on God is just amazing and Beautiful may I add. I am Blessed. Too.

All this to say-- even on my Bad days God is still God. Still Capable and will do what He does.  We all have a story. 

So thank you to everyone. 

Im tired. Im going to bed.

Peace out.

NOT my Defintion.

Met my "epileptologist" today, I just have to say- I am SO blessed to live in a city with some the worlds top Notch Hospitals. I'm lucky enough to be at the Cleveland Clinic. Ranked #4 in the state for neurology. I am so blessed. No matter how frustrating it is-- answers are answers.
I said this on Sunday in a Facebook post "I'm struggling I want healing. I want a miracle. Whether it's through God Healing me. Finding that one medication that works or even uhm - surgery. I just want it. It's a battle. Even though it's not over- I know I have a God of Comfort and a God of Compassion and I just continue to trust in Him and put my faith in Him - ill be ok. I get frustrated. I get angry. It gets hard- somedays I don't know how I do it or how ill make it- but He always pulls me through. He never let's us walk alone. Ever. No matter where your at. No matter what your facing.
Today- my Epileptologist told me- again, the chances of drugs controlling the simple seizures/ aura seizures are slim to none. We're going to try another med but also try another bout of test. I know God is Able. I'm so tired today. I honestly actually am quite exhausted and Crabby. I'm so thankful for Gods Grace and the people who put up with me. Most days I can hide it- but poor Hannah. Sigh. I've apologized so much to her. I was also told I have generalized weakness in my right side- again. Mainly my arm and slight in my leg-- comes and goes after so many seizures in a day. Dumb. I'm right handed. Makes things a little hard some days. I had blood work done. Waiting on my levels to come back.
As I said in yesterday's Post- the specialist appointments are the worse. But -- I know God is able. I'm reminded of something I heard a while back. " you have to go through the valleys because there's things you have to learn there that you won't learn on the mountain top".
It's very true. This has taught me more than what many will ever understand and still is.
What your going through doesnt define you. It doesn't make you. Doesn't break you. Should it change you? Yes! But God Promises to walk us through it all.

We never walk alone.

Just have Hope.

Another appointment today. But before I get to that Let me share a little, uhm before hand, recent stuff.

Over the past few years God has done A LOT of crazy things in my life. Amazing things Things I just-- Everyday thank Him for. Truth right there. For the most part I've tried to stay pretty positive. Stay pretty Strong. I'm -- and I know it :) a loud outgoing person naturally. I use to be shy and quiet and really just kept to myself. Boy did God break me of that over the years. I just really don't care what anyone thinks of me anymore- I'm gonna be me whether you like it or not, I know my limitations- sometimes I kinda make things a little shaky but Hey- I'm not perfect. but- if you don't shake things up a Little, what point is there to life?

Recently Its been a struggle- I've had a lot of feed back from people because they Just don't understand whats happened-- well guess what I don't understand what has happened to me. Some days its a front. Some days Its harder than others. Ive had questions Like " are you depressed", " are you on drugs" , " whats really going on",  Am I offended?  To an extent yes- because I'm not even given the time and day by some to explain. Not that I really give them an explanation to make them understand- but some-- some do.  I won't discredit all.  I'm not depressed. I'm not -- well not on illegal drugs anyway. I can't answer whats "really" going on to you because I don't know. Dr's don't fully know. We may never fully know. I have Epilepsy. Apparently its severe. Apparently its affecting a lot of everything. To eating to talking. To communicating with people. NO! I don't want a poor me- poor boo hoo crap of a thing. I want a normal life again.  Thats what I want. I want people to stop dropping off the face of the earth on me because they find out I have seizures. I want friends to be friends. I want people to stop treating me as if I am some type of communicable disease. I am not. Im a normal human being. I can still sit down for coffee with people I can still do things. Yeah I cant be as active ( although I still am I'll admit it) or do just a few things others can-- but Im realizing I can do normal things. IF- something should happen there is that 3 digit number; 911 for a reason, not only that but most of you know what to do if I were to have a BIGGER seizure anyway. If you don't well-- thats when the 911 comes in handy.  I am sorry if this comes off strong- but I'm tired. I'm tired of this affecting me. I'm tired of it threatening my Job. I'm tired of not being able to sit through a church service and etc.  I can do normal things- like normal people.

Another recent struggle with all this--is people just assuming the unknown to them. Grant you people don't matter. It is really amazing what happens in the Christian world/relm of things.  Pray this. Pray that. Pray more. Your not praying enough. This/ That. This has nothing to do with my Church. I come from a pretty solid church and I am extremely blessed-- BUT not everyone is perfect. were not perfect and we- I, definitely don't have it right all the time. We just love God. Love people. Then you have some who just don't get it. Don't get anything. Don't get what dealing or facing a problem is. Maybe I am going about this the wrong way.I don't know. Maybe I should't be so public about it. But quite honestly- I'll be real-- here we go
if I had it my way- id avoid this just like I did for many years. I was diagnosed with epilepsy at 16. First Seizure I had I remember sitting in front of my deep freezer, and next thing I know Im across the kitchen floor big bump on my head. I had quite a few after that. One swimming. One in a post office. Quite a few at a purity conference. One at a youth convention. MRIs after MRIs- Multiple stupid concussions. Then EEG's. I can't tell you how much school I missed between junior/senior year. --- Epilepsy, a Seizure Disorder. Me. Then put on meds for years. I was fine. Or so I thought. my 3rd Semester of College I had a really bad seizure. I didn't know it was coming. I didn't feel it. Nothing. I just went down. I smacked my head on the metal frame of my bed, along with the floor, in the midst of going down I hit my shoulder on something and ended up with and obvious concussion. On top of leaving for Christmas break 2 days later and a 2 week recover

At age 20 I cold turkey'd that Med I was on, I started having HORRIBLE side effects from it. Most people didnt even know I had epilepsy. Unless- you were family- or witnessed a seizure. Then all of a sudden.  a year and a half later- everything went down hill. No meds- seizure free. This past summer at a cookout with my church, I had to leave. I was really sick. I thought it was due to taking to much tylenol and ibuprofen combined.  Nope- I was told I had a chance of having "bleeding" - "swelling" on my brain, I needed to see a specialist.  Wanted to keep me- Im stubborn and left AMA. I found out I'm allergic to Dilauded and then 5 days later I was seeing a Neurologist- ordered some more test and blah blah blah. See guys a lot more going on than you think. Before all this I was just trying to get my license. I even had them. Bought a car and was working on getting it fixed. then they took my license away. Met another doctor after being put on some meds. Was diagnosed with Intractible focal epilepsy with Complex Partial seizures with Secondary generalized seizures. then talk of  surgery and finding the focal point until then more meds and more meds. these meds mess with my moods. my apetite. I drop weight. I gain it. Some give me horrible headaches. Some make me not to be able to sleep.  You don't get it. You don't understand and I don't expect you to. but please. Just- don't tell me something if you don't know. I appreciate the few people in my life who do listen. Im thankful that I know God is able. I thankful I know Gods Grace to put up with me when Im crabby and I'm learning to pull away from things when I get to off key. Its not fun.

Then todays appointment.- No bueno.  But I have to say I am blessed. I didn't have to pay a 40 dollar co-pay. :) Its the little things. I had a neurology appointment this morning. Not a specialist or anything- thankfully. Those are the worse. I have to see them soon though. But my neuro wants me to go back into the Epilepsy Monitoring Unit. Another Outpatient EEG. and I have to go for a Higher tesla MRI. All at the Good O'l Cleveland Clinic. Apparently- my seizures, the meds, the side effects of the meds, are all interfereing with me living a normal life- as if I didn't know that. (not saying that in a bad way just stating the obvious) Seizures that I only feel/know about. Some to small to Hit an EEG but some that they thing that are progressing past Meds control and want to really reconsider uhm- surgery as an option. I have to call and schedule a closer appointment with my Epileptologist and doctors at the Cleveland Clinic. Im prepared to have meds changed again. i just cold turkeyed one and etc. But till we find something that works and i am believeing we will find something that works.

My neurologist kept stressing something today- "Keep holding on. Have hope. This is hard. We know it ...have hope"  Its a frustrating thing to deal with. its one of those things thats Hit or miss. You never know when a seizure is gonna happen. You truly just HAVE to trust God. with the testing- you can have negative results one day- positive results the next. its a serious issue that you just HAVE to trust. The fact that she kept saying you just have to have Hope. You just have to keep holding on and do this and surround youself with people who will support you. I just have to keep going. I've come this far.


You see- I just keep it real. I'm not gonna cover it up with classy cliche christian slang. well- I know God is able. I know who God is. Trust me. I do. Ive said it once and I'll say it over and over and over again. This-- this isn't my ending- yes this is my story. not the end of it though. God had brought me through so much-- and this-- ha- I don't doubt one bit that He will continue to carry me through. I will continue to do my part. I'll continue to serve as I can and where I know I am suppose to. I love it! I love doing what I know God has for me. I stay in the word-- grant you I could probably study a little more. I'll stay in prayer. I'll keep those close to me that know the situaton who are praying. Ill keep asking them to pray. This-- this has changed my life. my relationship with God. Who I am as a person. God's Grace -- is Sufficient. I Know..  I don't just know but I KNOW that God is Good ALL the time.

My life with Epilepsy- Welcome to it.

I'd probably "blog" more if I had a laptop that worked- a few of my keys are broke and I can't really type. Oh well I guess.

This post is probably going to be pretty long so I'm sorry if its a book so if you don't waste you time reading it- I understand. If you do read it- congrats for making it through.

As a few of my Past post have said- I have Epilepsy. Epilepsy. I'm gonna be real. It has been hell. Pure- Hell. I have very few answers- but I guess few answers are better than no answers. Its not the Epilepsy thats just controlled by meds or just ok heres a med and your all better-- but its Epilepsy. I don't wish any kind of this crap on anyone but the people I have talked to that have this- or that have gotten any kind of glimpse into this- all say the same thing-- its hell. It effects everything. Friendships. Life. Friendships. Memory. More of Life. more relationships. More of Life. Its like you have to worry about ok- who is afraid of you? Who can you be with that isn't going to walk on eggshells around you? Yes- I have seizures- yes I can totally pick up if you feel awkward around me. I'm not stupid. Sure my brain gets a little uhm- Foggy sometimes but I'm not dumb.

Then you have the people who think that you have control over this stuff and use it as an excuse. HA! -- trust me, I've done a lot of stuff in my time as an "excuse" this is the last thing I want to do as an excuse. My heart -- hurts. I'm so torn. I just wish sometimes people could see my hospital bills. I have bills the size of those who are 65-- mind you I am going to be 22 in less than a month. I've had over 20 ER visits in the past 6 months. 2 in which they wanted to Hospitalize me-- for monitoring but I was non-compliant and 1- because I had a seizure at work and stopped breathing for 6 minutes. Seriously? an Excuse? Trust me-- I don't want this. I'll admit to you-- as I've said, I've done things in my life I never should have that have been for "excuses" I've pushed people away- Ive ran. Ive Hid. but this, there is no me using it as an excuse. The drugs either make me stupid, moody or sick. I get the worse of the worse side effects. They either cause more seizures or don't do anything at all. Ive been on High doses of meds, Ive been on low doses of meds- nothing has helped. I've had seizures ranging from dropping to the ground like a fish out of water -- to sitting down and completely going out and not breathing and going completely lymph and not breathing to horrible taste in my mouth to ringing my ears to smells that make you want to throw up that I can't even begin to explain. Yet -- nothing is explain through my EEG- because sometimes I'm so drugged up- im covered by drugs im seizure free and have 2-3 a week and the day i go it sucks and nothing hits, then I could have just one day where I have 2- God knows how many and then all I want to do is sleep and have this ungodly Headache.  and then I have weeks on end where I'm fine and I have really really faint ones. where I just know I've had one. and Nobody else. Its good because I don't even have to tell anyone. Its better that way. Bad because They are so faint and just auras-- they don't Hit the EEG either. I've only had one positive EEG my entire life. I was 16. Now -- nothing. Yet my MRI is the only thing showing anything. That I'm even going for a Higher functioning MRI and then they want me to go for a volume something thingy and something for my Hippocampus.

The thing that sucks the most-- I have all the support in the world from afar. My pastors, my friends. ETC. My church. Let me tell you and by that I am one extremely Blessed Girl. My sister has even been there for me. Asking me How I am doing. This has really changed our relationship. I'm blessed. But sometimes and maybe this is wrong. I'm not sure. I want more. I want someone to understand to hear the things I have to hear-- to hear that I'm not coming off with this stuff- to hear this stuff in these appointments-- to hear that theres only a 5-10 % chance of my seizures ever being controlled. Or that this process isnt an easy one.  My mom wont even talk to me about this. It sucks. I love her I do. I know she has her own Junk going on, but I miss her. Maybe thats wrong to say- but this is one of the hardest things I have EVER had to face.  Epilepsy- Sucks. I realize everyone has their own story, their own battle- People have cancer. Chronic pain. Etc. This is Mine. I just want those people to know my life isn't just what you see. I post stuff on Facebook- sure out of frustration- but don't judge. Don't tell me to just "Go to God", I know what God is capable of. I survived suicide, 9 years of cutting. An Eating Disorder that almost killed me and was given 6 months to live if I didn't get help.- yeah. God-- He got me through all that. His Grace. His Mercy. I rely SOLEY  on Him. I read my bible. Its not superficial. Sure i fall short some days. Sure. I say things I shouldn't- i am NOT perfect. I am not OK all the time-- Especially now. I am struggling-- not with my relationship with God- but with life. I'm struggling with the fact that so many people take it for granted. that I've taken it for granted for SO long and just when I've gotten to a point and Decided to Live... and Truly live -- not for me.. but for the HIM. for HIS purpose. His plan. Bam- I'm on 3 anti seizure Drugs- about to be on 4. 2 stomach drugs so those don't eat the lining of my stomach. - I might have to get my gall bladder out. Im breaking out in rashes from the drugs and  dropping to the ground and not breathing and have to cut drugs cold turkey and pray to God that I don't go into Status Epilepticus- either in Complex partial or Generalized. This Could Kill me. Epilepsy whether people realize it or not can be serious and unfortunately for me--- it is.  we have not idea why all of a sudden it just happened besides "it just happens".. I'm not gonna get cliche but as i said I'm just gonna be real- this - sucks. I know who God is. I know what God can do. I'm frustrated and this sucks. People are afraid of me and I have to face it every day. I just have to get up every morning and pray-- and thank God for those who aren't and for those who listen and for those who are willing to learn and willing to hear. Its complex-- and quite honestly I don't know everything about it. I don't know all the answers. A lot of stuff still freaks me out. A lot of stuff still makes me cry. A lot of the answers I have to take to my nurse friends or i have to just pray about. I just.. its hard. Its really hard. Seizures- Pain. Meds. all this. sucks. I'm tired. from it all. His mercies are new everyday with me. with us all. Im thankful for that because somedays I really REALLY need it. I'm thankful He still holds my life in His hands and just gives me the people I have. and gives me Himself.

Because even though I don't like the answers I still have Him.