Not for a moment

It's 1:30 a.m I can't sleep. For the past 6 hours I've been watching Grey's Anatomy and catching up on the final seasons-- all I can say is that I am WAY to emotionally involved into this show ;) anytime Meredith Grey Cries--- yup better bet I'm bawling. We're alike in a lot of ways :D I find it humorous. Then you have izzy, man this girl. Ah- as I said-- WAY to emotionally involved. That's so random of me to say but its made me think. A couple episodes ago I watched the show where George died and Izzy almost died and then a few shows later izzy is dealing with it long with Derek and they say something-
" when it hurts so much you can't breathe, that's how you stay alive - by remembering that one day somehow Impossibly it won't feel this way, it won't hurt this much"

I understand I haven't wrote in a while. Nothing to different really going on to write about- it would just be complaining if I did. Ya know? But honestly me not writing is faking cause there is a lot going on. Since I lost my grandpa -- things have become a little crazy. Just -- a tad. Not bad. But just a lot. Struggles. Good. Bad. Hard stuff. Things I don't get. Things I need help with. Things I want. Things I need to figure out. Etc. just a lot.

This past Tuesday I just got out the hospital. I spent 5 days in the ungodly epilepsy Unit. 2 days prior to going into there I spent the weekend in the Hospital as well. 3 days spent there I think it was-- that time is all a blur, all I really remember is happy feet socks and the security guard thinking I was 15. I've been ripped off meds put on meds. Changed dosage of meds. We found out I'm also hypokalemic, again. This med I'm in now messes horribly with my body and appetite, and I'm back to round 3.56735839 of not being able to eat just when I figure out a system that works. They told me I can't drive. They told me I can't work with blizzard machines anymore- they were very specific about that when they wrote my release form. How I am going to get out of that with work I don't know. I'm broke. I have no money. I'm living with a family that's so graciously taken me in because I agreed to pay them rent once I was working steadily and etc and now- I not only won't be working but I won't have a way to get myself from point a and b. I had to sell my car to my brother. No more license. My neurologist has no hope of clearing me anytime soon to get my license. The biggest blow this week was my job- I am a workaholic and love my job. Being told I can't do the very thing I put 30 plus hours of my week into doing, and mAking a living while doing it, is hard. I have to totally trust God. I have to wake up every morning and say even when I don't get it- God does. Because well he is God and some how, some crazy weird very odd way-- He has a plan. And It must be pretty freakin awesome. Truth right there let me tell you.

While I was in the hospital I was blessed with presence of this nurse-- I'll leave it at that-- for two days. I thought one day was a blessing in itself but two days- wow. She definitely had a heart for The Lord!!!!!! Sooooooo sweet! Seriouslyh! Bring up a worship song and man would she talk! But as soon as she found out I wasn't drinking enough--- that was a whole other song and dance. I swear every visitor I had she told them. I wanted to tell her to shut up! But I honestly didnt know how to nicely-- and after alllll the conversations we had all day- the only thing that went through my head was " for the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks" , I had to be nice. And I knew she was doing her job, but she was just exhausting. But anyways- we spoke about quite a bit and something she said to me while I was in the hospital - were made through the fire. This- life. Where you're at. It's the fire. If she only knew the volumes in which she was speaking. She kept coming back to my room and doing her charting and etc, and I just kept thinking. We are made through the fire and storms and deserts of this life! Things that aren't always easy. They can teach us a lot if we let them.

This is teaching me a lot. More than what's neccasary to be shared. I'm dealing with some health issues and etc - the obvious but things go deeper.

You learn a total dependence on who your maker is. You learn to listen to the one who spoke the earth into motion and not everything nor anyone else around you. You learn to trust the one who parted the Red Sea. And for me--- I think this is the hardest- I have to constantly learn to put "my" world into the hands of the one who holds THE world. Because He already knows what it all looks like.

It's hard- not knowing if I'm going to be able to work. If I'm going to be able to drive. If I'm gonna have a secure solid place to live. How am I going to work out getting places? Health insurance? Money? I need a Job? I need stuff to do? ... All these things. Superficial things. When I already truly know God has it all figured out. I know this because I'm still here. I'm still alive. I'm still breathing. And when I do fall asleep and if I don't wake up then it wasn't meant to be- but for right now I'm thanking God because I am here. I am alive.

I titled this "not for a moment" because there is a song that I've been so stuck on in all this by Meredith Andrews that goes

"After all You are constant
After all You are only good
After all You are sovereign
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Not for a moment will You forsake me "

I'm holding true to that. I know He is Good. No matter the outcome of all this-- why.? Because it has absolutely nothing to do with me. But because in the end He is still God. And still Good. Ill just rest in that.

Transparency at its finest

I have never been really good at putting how I feel into words without being over emotional or dramatic. God and I have truly been working on this for years. Something Goes on-- its like everything is horrible and I hate life. Or Everything is just lovely and beautiful. But over the past 2 years to year and a Half- I've learned a balance between that.

I started off by saying that because well- all that I am about to say even is hard. Unless its something people physically see, I don't talk about it. I can talk about the Epilepsy. I can talk about seizures. Thats SO easy. But this-- not so much.

You see- that past two days, I have been quite a wreck at work. Messing things up. Dropping things. Making the wrong products. Etc. I have been really distracted. Normally its been because I don't feel good. Easy to blame it on. Not saying I didn't. But I know it wasn't the reason. Yesterday while walking to work I was reminded of my fire from when I first got saved. I was broken. I went to work crying. Rewind. I went to work- crying. sick. distracted. hurt. sad. distracted. and just all kinds of NOT myself. You see when I was 15 I was convinced I was going to be a " world Changer". I was convinced I was going to travel the country church to church convention to convention and speak to all the teenagers about who Jesus was and what He did and was doing in my life. I spoke in my youth group. I was a Leader. I then moved up to bigger things and etc. I then Interned.

Then something happened. I made mistakes. I fell.I got back up. but I kept falling. But it wasn't like the type of fall that you fall and get back up an choose Jesus fall. it was the yeah I suck- nobody cares anyways- I'm gonna keep going this way without anyway without anyone knowing fall (or so I thought.) As I said I played that dangerous Game of I love Jesus and I know all the answers yet I really hate my life. For quite some time actually. My Junior year of high school going into senior year I was diagosed with Epilepsy. I had to STOP everything. I left my old church started a new one. I was a cutter. I was stressed beyond was I thought I could take. I was trying to-- but to only a level. Then not even a few months later- my Dad was killed. Thats what pushed me over the edge. I sought acceptance in any male relationship I could find just to end up getting hurt more and more in the end. I did some really STUPID attention seeking things. to get people to notice how much this hurt me. I was hurt. I didnt know what to do. Then I went away to college- things only increased. My relationship with my mom was zero. my family and i never talked. I turned back to things of the Past and this time--- well, February of my Second semester I was told if I didn't get help from an eating disorder I would die in 6 months. 2 months later I found myself in a recovery home in the south. A year later I attempted suicide. Almost succeeded I was hospitalized for 2 weeks.


My list of wrongs can go on and on and on and on. Today all that ran through my head. You may ask why? maybe because of what I said at the beginning? due to being dramatic? or etc?--- No-- you see. since I was 15, I have known. I was called to ministry full time. Ive been running. Ive been running from the call of the very one of the I Love. I have questioned. I have cried. and yet. Its been right in front of my face all along. Ministry is hard. Right now I work at Dairy Queen and its hard. Ive lost my passion for ice cream. its boring. i have nothing for it. I want to quit. i want something more for my life.sick or not its worth the sacrifice to .... come home and no youve just lved for a reason. or to stay up all night doing something more. Praying with people. crying with people. Talking. Just loving people. having bible studies etc. Even all the adminstrative stuff. I LOVE ADMINISTRATION AND ORGANIZATION. I have been so blessed. SO SO blessed. i have a roof over my head. i have water and food. etc. I dont want to run anymore. Because no matter the sacrifice. no matter how much it hurts. He is the worth it all. He has not brought me this far to leave me.