Forgiveness is Key.

It's been so long since I have last wrote! I have so much to say! So much update everyone on. But for now I have other things to say.

5 years ago this week something  happened in my life. Something life changing. Something that I will never forget. Let me explain.

You see I was a shy, quiet girl. On the inside I was lost in my world  of self hate and controlled by fear and empowered by rage. All I wanted was the Love of a guy. I was distraught by the crazy happenings of high school and my senior year, and my family was a wreck. On the outside though I was just there. I played the part- I went to church- I thought I was finally getting to a point of being free from it all and seeking God trying to figure out what to do in the midst of the chaos. Well-  Nothing could prepare for what was about to happen!

The beginning of my senior year everything seemed Normal. Started the School year off Strong. Youth Group was going well. It wasn't until I had been sitting in Youth Group one Night and one of the Leaders had walked up to me and prayed for me and after said he thought He felt the Lord leading him to tell me that I need to deal with the "unforgiveness" with my family. I didn't think twice about it. I kinda laughed! My attitude kicked in and I stopped talking. But I took it all in. Unforgiveness? Really? I mean I was just having a bad day?  Well It didn't end there.

I kept getting worse. Family situation kept getting worse. School was getting worse. Nothing seemed like it was looking up. I had the " I don't care attitude'.  I had met with my mentor multiple times, and we would talk and text. I think I  had realized what I needed to do.

A few weeks after youth group, I went to a concert. At this time it was probably my 9th concert, they had known me by name. After the Concert - Going through the signing line they had prayed for me and the same thing had happened, That I needed to pray and really to pray about unforgiveness in my life with my parents! and break off generational curses and Prayed Psalm 61! Not going lie I was kind of shocked t hear this a second time!

Not even two days after the concert I was Indiana, at my friends church that I was visiting. God woke me up. You see, I had never been to this church before. The pastor didn't even know my name. I only knew Jenelle and Morgan- and the rest of the SIP team that I had traveled with a few years prior. I'm sitting there minding my own buisness and boom out of know where I hear my name. and He looks at me in front of His entire Church and just speaks this word of life! I was never more amazed in my life as I was then. I still have only witnessed this once or twice since then! But He looked at me and said "you're called to speak Joy and Life into young lives- bring peace.Your purpose is to speak of a Hope that never fails. then he  went in Acts 9 About how the young woman had died but Peter had brought her back to life and she went everywhere speaking of the things God has done for her! It was just amazing!- but there is a but! he said I have some unforgiveness with my parents to deal with and generational curses to break!  and a few other things! It was at that point that God had shown me what  I needed to do.

I began to pray. This was now December 2008. I prayed and prayed and cried. I talked to my mentor at the time, and I prayed more. It took me weeks to figure out what I should do. I mean I knew what I should do. I knew what I could have done. but I just didn't.

My Dad and I had talked weekly if not more since my sophomore year of high school. Before that we didn't really talk at all. The only thing I remember getting from him is a radio with a backstreet boy CD, a Red Bear and Britney Spears CD and it was the best Gift I got that year for my Christmas when I was a kid. But really All I cared about was that he was there. He lived in West Virginia. I lived in Ohio. Made Visiting quite difficult. That phone call every week though was valued. I didn't realize one phone call was going to be such a difficult one. Life Changing.

Eventually I realized all this Unforgiveness talk - needed to be taken care of. I wrote my mom a letter later on. But eventually I had to call my Dad. On January 17th- I called Him. Like I normally do. But this time the conversation went a little different. I said I am sorry. Confused He said for what. I said I'm sorry I haven't been the greatest daughter as I should be and I forgive you I know you aren't perfect but I love you!" He said  He was sorry and His exact words were " Tab I am so proud of you, you make me want to dance with the Holy Spirit again I love you so much" -- I cried. He cried. I laughed cause his hillybilly accent and slang. He always told me he was reading the bible more because he knew i went to church and it was a way we had conversation and it was just cute and it just it was cute!
 It was  like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders! Unfortunately the conversation had to end because I was walking to work and Had just got there and Had to go. The "Love you, bye's" were a little bit harder that time around. but I had a Joy that was just unexplainable. A peace.

January 21,2009 at youth group it was even weird. It was a different setting. Everyone was upstairs.I was not feeling it. I sat in the back by the water fountain hiding. My Mentor after came home and showed me something in 1 Peter. I still have it marked in my bible to this day. I remember clear as day my youth pastor preaching end of the. night  "were not promised the promised tomorrow yet alone the next 10 minutes." A statement everyone says but you never think about. Well-  January 21,2009  my dad was killed in a car accident. He called his friend to pick him up from Walmart take him home and unknowing to Him he was drunk and strung out on drugs. He was speeding on the way home, the car flipped over the median, and  slammed into a tree  on the opposite side of road. The Last conversation I had with my dad was Him telling me that he wanted to dance with the " Holy Spirit" again.  All those people speaking so much truth into my life I wouldn't be where I am today. I learned were not promised tomorrow, forgiveness is key to life. and never doubt the voice or nudging of the Holy Spirit.

My Dad was a Stubborn man. He loved. He gave. He cared deeply.

Although this week will be hard. I will remember not only the things that he has done but what God had done to restore our relationship.

God is a God of restoration and love.
Pursue Peace.
Pursue Him.

Compliant v.s Complacency

We can - in any situation become - Compliant. Complacent. or Just flat out complaining.

When I was praying yesterday and heard the word "compliant" I was a little caught off guard and confused. I just googled the word for fun. Compliant means to be ready, or disposed to comply. Another definition was to submit. -- Hmm? Submit. Now Submit means to " yield or surrender to the power or authority of another." So Hold on to that while we keep going :)

Now - Complacent: marked by "SELF-satisfaction" especially when accompanied by unawareness of actual dangers or deficiencies." -- its means you have come to a comfortable place and your ok with it. Your ok with how you are, how you act, how you treat people etc.

Then Complaining is " to express dissatisfaction, pain, uneasiness, censure, resentment, or grief constantly" - seriously? I think everyone knows what complaining is.

Now- now that I put that all out there for you lets pull it all together. I'm gonna work backwards. :)

So often we become focused on something that is wrong. "Thats wrong" "The music is to loud" " they did this" or " this is that" we COMPLAIN about something. Then we have those who are just naturals at complaining about problems. Then have become so COMPLACENT in their ways they don't even realize it. They are ok with where they are at. They love God- Go to church on Sundays, yet don't make and intentional encounter with who God is to truly make a change.

Theres more to life than to where you are at. There is more to life than to where your sitting. Whether its the same pew, chair, or classroom every sunday. Heck- maybe its down to that same BORING lunch you pack everyday. God is calling you to more- something more intentional, something REAL with Him. He doesn't relent till He has it all. I'm reminded of Jesus Calling the Disciples. They were Just ordinary people like you and I but they were all called to something more intentional, something higher. Something bigger than themselves.

Key to that though was submitting what God. Being compliant. Being in complete surrender. Giving up everything you want for what God wants for you. James and John left their father (Matthew 4:18-22) Peter and Andrew left there nets they were using to cast to catch fish. Jesus legit Told them they were going to be more than just "fishermen" but they were going to " Fisher of men' if they were going to follow Him. Then there was Matthew- a tax collector. Just because He was a sinner didn't mean Jesus was giving up on Him nor leaving Him-- so Matthew went with Him.you seen the change.

God has called us all to be a disciple I believe. He has called us all to change the world around us. He has called us all to wake the world around us to life abundantly that God had come to give us- but we can only do that if we let Him do that through us. Because its not about us. Not about what we have done but all about what He is doing and wants to do. So get off your high horse, its not about what you want, your problems, fears, struggles, etc- maybe they arent about you. Maybe they are to serve a greater purpose. Stop complaining and Start praying.

Transparency at its finest

I have never been really good at putting how I feel into words without being over emotional or dramatic. God and I have truly been working on this for years. Something Goes on-- its like everything is horrible and I hate life. Or Everything is just lovely and beautiful. But over the past 2 years to year and a Half- I've learned a balance between that.

I started off by saying that because well- all that I am about to say even is hard. Unless its something people physically see, I don't talk about it. I can talk about the Epilepsy. I can talk about seizures. Thats SO easy. But this-- not so much.

You see- that past two days, I have been quite a wreck at work. Messing things up. Dropping things. Making the wrong products. Etc. I have been really distracted. Normally its been because I don't feel good. Easy to blame it on. Not saying I didn't. But I know it wasn't the reason. Yesterday while walking to work I was reminded of my fire from when I first got saved. I was broken. I went to work crying. Rewind. I went to work- crying. sick. distracted. hurt. sad. distracted. and just all kinds of NOT myself. You see when I was 15 I was convinced I was going to be a " world Changer". I was convinced I was going to travel the country church to church convention to convention and speak to all the teenagers about who Jesus was and what He did and was doing in my life. I spoke in my youth group. I was a Leader. I then moved up to bigger things and etc. I then Interned.

Then something happened. I made mistakes. I fell.I got back up. but I kept falling. But it wasn't like the type of fall that you fall and get back up an choose Jesus fall. it was the yeah I suck- nobody cares anyways- I'm gonna keep going this way without anyway without anyone knowing fall (or so I thought.) As I said I played that dangerous Game of I love Jesus and I know all the answers yet I really hate my life. For quite some time actually. My Junior year of high school going into senior year I was diagosed with Epilepsy. I had to STOP everything. I left my old church started a new one. I was a cutter. I was stressed beyond was I thought I could take. I was trying to-- but to only a level. Then not even a few months later- my Dad was killed. Thats what pushed me over the edge. I sought acceptance in any male relationship I could find just to end up getting hurt more and more in the end. I did some really STUPID attention seeking things. to get people to notice how much this hurt me. I was hurt. I didnt know what to do. Then I went away to college- things only increased. My relationship with my mom was zero. my family and i never talked. I turned back to things of the Past and this time--- well, February of my Second semester I was told if I didn't get help from an eating disorder I would die in 6 months. 2 months later I found myself in a recovery home in the south. A year later I attempted suicide. Almost succeeded I was hospitalized for 2 weeks.


My list of wrongs can go on and on and on and on. Today all that ran through my head. You may ask why? maybe because of what I said at the beginning? due to being dramatic? or etc?--- No-- you see. since I was 15, I have known. I was called to ministry full time. Ive been running. Ive been running from the call of the very one of the I Love. I have questioned. I have cried. and yet. Its been right in front of my face all along. Ministry is hard. Right now I work at Dairy Queen and its hard. Ive lost my passion for ice cream. its boring. i have nothing for it. I want to quit. i want something more for my life.sick or not its worth the sacrifice to .... come home and no youve just lved for a reason. or to stay up all night doing something more. Praying with people. crying with people. Talking. Just loving people. having bible studies etc. Even all the adminstrative stuff. I LOVE ADMINISTRATION AND ORGANIZATION. I have been so blessed. SO SO blessed. i have a roof over my head. i have water and food. etc. I dont want to run anymore. Because no matter the sacrifice. no matter how much it hurts. He is the worth it all. He has not brought me this far to leave me.

Real God, REAL LOVE

Pursuing Christ lately has not been on the top of my “To-do” list lately. To be honest I have completely pushed Him off to the side, sort of just to the Back burner of my life. I've found myself in this “Pit”. A “Pit” of just pretty much self hate,brokenness,hurt. I was just taking it all as it was being thrown at me. I Dug this whole deeper and deeper as time went by. This is the way the past almost two months have been. The lies that I have grabbed on to weren't making things better. Things telling me its not worth Going after such a powerful God,that it was pointless that I would keep messing up,would keep falling and tripping. That I couldn't put up the fight needed to get out of this mess. A verse came to my mind through all of this,

Matthew 10:38-39...

” Anyone who does not take up his cross and Follow me is not worthy of me, whoever finds his life will lose it and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it”

 I knew what it meant to “take up your cross”. To me it means take up everything that has ever been thrown at you, and take it to God and continue on with life, No matter how hard it gets just do it.

       I know the scripture and I know what I'm suppose to say. What it all comes down to is I know religion, But to say I knew (know) of this personal relationship with Christ, I would be lying. I mean dont get me wrong, I did have a relationship with God at one point but these past few months I have Just forgotten about and lost all focus of it. But before these past few months my relationship with Him was not the best,I wasn't honest with Him, I wasn't open, Now I know what I thought was there, wasn't real. I have not trusted Him the way I should, None of it. Now that I look back on it, it was the crappiest relationship ever. The cross I knew to take up and carry, even during the hard times, I threw Down and walked away. I stopped Going to church on Sundays, the Wednesday thing had just became a “ thing to do”.

         Last Night was different, my youth pastor didn't even continue on his thing with purity ( I'm not gonna lie, I was kinda happy about that), but he went somewhere new. I can't remember everything he had said but, one thing I do remember was the verse Philippians 1:6 ( someone had actually sent this to me about a week ago but I was like whatever it didn't make sense to me then).

“Being confident of this, He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

After He used that verse ( he said it like twice),I just said oh my gosh. What the heck have I been doing. He just kept going on about his dreams he had and where God has him, and how it wasn't because of his WISDOM or his KNOWLEDGE, but because of the Lords.

      Let me first say, I didn't want to be there that night. I was sick and not feeling all that up to par, but I still went. After he was done saying everything I heard something I have not heard in a long time. I just cried, I didn't even know why I was crying. I just was, but it wasn't over anything I had going on or anything I was thinking, But the tears Just flowed, But I finally heard from God. It was more clear and Loud than ever. I wasn't even looking for a meet with Him, I wanted to meet with Him, I wanted to find him again,but I had gave up on it. But He found me, I wasn't doing anything, just sitting there against the wall, way in the back.He said

“Tabitha, Your hear because its real, your hear because You want to see me in a real way, a NEW way, and well here I am. I want you to learn how to be real, with me, with yourself,and with those around you. Its ok not to be OK all the time. What your Going through isn't for forever. Let me help you, Let me In. Let me teach you REAL love, Love that doesn't hurt. TRUST ME!

         I just cried more, it was almost like it was all new to me but at the same time, i knew it all. ( sorry if I'm not making much sense). It said so much to me, and made some stuff finally hit home. I'm not gonna say I'm good,I'm fine or I'm all better, but I have something Firm, and REAL to stand on. I found, No wait, God found me. What he has started, Hes gonna finish. No matter what it takes. I may fail at first but I know God is gonna get me through this. I'm gonna move forward NO matter what it takes.

1 Peter 5:8-10 says:

“Be self-controlled and alert, Your enemy the Devil, prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to Devour. Resist Him standing firm in faith, because you know your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all Grace who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will make you strong firm and steadfast.

I'm not gonna lie, the enemy had me down, and almost defeated. I have been listening to all his stupid lies long enough. Faith, These amazing few people God has recently placed in my life, thats whats gonna get me through this. All of everyones prayers thats why I'm where I'm at right now.

      I know and fully aware of the Road ahead. Its not gonna be an easy one, but I now have a rock to stand on. I see it, I know its here! I'm not gonna sink anymore.

Beauty of His Grace

Lately I've been thinking about Grace and the meaning of it. Through that, I have come to the realization that so often we forget about it.


Grace, its a 5 letter word. And yet it means SO much and as said before we sit back in the comfortable life that we tend to live and don't really pay much attention to it. Well this morning it hit me that some people don't understand the meaning of it.

You see, I was listening to "How He loves" by Kim walker and my younger sister had stated " I don't get it, I don’t understand it - We are his portion and he is our prize,Drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes ,
If grace is an ocean we’re all sinking- that makes no sense! .” I was caught off guard, I know it’s a song and she may not have understood it but our conversation carried beyond that. I had told her it was talking about Grace the response to me saying that was – “and your point is”.

I began thinking and continued playing- How can someone just say that about Grace! God’s GRACE at that. We don’t deserve it but yet its given to us ALL. I personally think that because so many people do not get it , and do not “believe” in Grace (for lack of a better word) it’s what causes us to run from God, the very one who gives it to us and also the very one who gives us life.

Grace is the undeserved favor of God. Get that- UNDESERVED. Which means when we screw up, when we fall, when we sin, God should just tell us YOU’RE A SCREW UP! YOUR NOTHING! I DON’T EVER WANT YOU!!! YOU’RE WORTHLESS NOW!!! But the truth is He does the complete opposite. When we do everything that doesn’t necessarily glorify God, He still loves us. He still is there with open arms waiting for us to Return and to forgive us and to help us get back on track. Why you ask? Because His love is never-ending and nothing can separate us from that! Romans 8:38-39 -And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord”. It clearly states that.

I am brought to the story of the Samaritan woman at the well. She was married five times and then she was in a relationship with some other woman’s Husband! ADULTERY! Jesus Shouldn’t have even spoken to her! Jew’s don’t even normally walk down the Samaritan Road, But He did (Go Jesus for breaking out of the Normality of life back then.. aren’t we called to do that- that’s a WHOLE other blog). He seen the woman and asked her for a drink of water. She looked at Him “You are a Jew, and I am a Samaritan woman. Why are you asking me for a drink?” ( John 4:7-9) . Right there it shows me something completely different than what this story really says (or does it? ). I am no Bible scholar so I am just going to say what I feel in my spirit that God has been speaking to me through this woman’s story.

The Fact that Jesus walked up to this… this woman at the well on a Samaritan road that Jews do not normally walk on and Yet Jesus did, Just to ask for a Drink of water just gets me to the core. John 16-17 pretty much tells us that Jesus knows her, She didn’t have to say a thing to Him about her life and what she has done. She didn’t even try to plead her case to Him! What we all tend to do, She didn’t, she knew she was wrong in her ways and every one else did too, that’s why she had to go out to the well at noon on the hottest day of the year at the hottest point of the day, so that the people around her wouldn’t ridicule her. But Jesus didn’t! That’s my point right here! Jesus was able to look at her with Grace!!! Undeserved favor and love! He knew what she did, Knew she had 5 husbands and wasn’t even with a husband now! But He still went to her asked her for water!! How Beautiful is that!!!

That’s what He shows all of us Grace! Not saying we won’t have to pay the consequences for our actions, the cross covers sin not the consequences of sin. But He is there with us and loves us so much! And Beside The lord Disciplines those He loves! That’s what Grace is about! Another thing that Got me about Her story though, was not only did Jesus Show her grace, and love after all she had done, but also Jesus offered her a second Chance at life! Offered her living water so she wouldn’t have to be thirsty ever again. That’s what Jesus Died for after all, to give us life! Not to dwell in our mess-ups and faults. Or to beat ourselves up from all that we have done. But to except the fact that He is here for us! He LOVES us! He died to show us Grace and to give us a second, third, forth chance on life! John 10:10 “ I have come to give you lie and life abundantly” LOVE THAT!!

To go back to what I was saying before from the song-If grace is an ocean we’re all sinking. We are all given grace but its up to us to Choose to Grab that and the key thing is- NOT to Just Grab it but to let it Change us. Change who we are, who we are becoming! And to let it make us more like HIM! Everyday.

Its Grace that I am standing on! I shouldn’t be alive! And Yet I am… I haven’t exactly grabbed that yet. He Loves me and you so much, He doesn’t rank our sin and doesn’t throw us away like garbage but He gives us chance after Chance.

In true repentance run to Him and Let His love change you

-Tabitha