Real God, REAL LOVE

Pursuing Christ lately has not been on the top of my “To-do” list lately. To be honest I have completely pushed Him off to the side, sort of just to the Back burner of my life. I've found myself in this “Pit”. A “Pit” of just pretty much self hate,brokenness,hurt. I was just taking it all as it was being thrown at me. I Dug this whole deeper and deeper as time went by. This is the way the past almost two months have been. The lies that I have grabbed on to weren't making things better. Things telling me its not worth Going after such a powerful God,that it was pointless that I would keep messing up,would keep falling and tripping. That I couldn't put up the fight needed to get out of this mess. A verse came to my mind through all of this,

Matthew 10:38-39...

” Anyone who does not take up his cross and Follow me is not worthy of me, whoever finds his life will lose it and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it”

 I knew what it meant to “take up your cross”. To me it means take up everything that has ever been thrown at you, and take it to God and continue on with life, No matter how hard it gets just do it.

       I know the scripture and I know what I'm suppose to say. What it all comes down to is I know religion, But to say I knew (know) of this personal relationship with Christ, I would be lying. I mean dont get me wrong, I did have a relationship with God at one point but these past few months I have Just forgotten about and lost all focus of it. But before these past few months my relationship with Him was not the best,I wasn't honest with Him, I wasn't open, Now I know what I thought was there, wasn't real. I have not trusted Him the way I should, None of it. Now that I look back on it, it was the crappiest relationship ever. The cross I knew to take up and carry, even during the hard times, I threw Down and walked away. I stopped Going to church on Sundays, the Wednesday thing had just became a “ thing to do”.

         Last Night was different, my youth pastor didn't even continue on his thing with purity ( I'm not gonna lie, I was kinda happy about that), but he went somewhere new. I can't remember everything he had said but, one thing I do remember was the verse Philippians 1:6 ( someone had actually sent this to me about a week ago but I was like whatever it didn't make sense to me then).

“Being confident of this, He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

After He used that verse ( he said it like twice),I just said oh my gosh. What the heck have I been doing. He just kept going on about his dreams he had and where God has him, and how it wasn't because of his WISDOM or his KNOWLEDGE, but because of the Lords.

      Let me first say, I didn't want to be there that night. I was sick and not feeling all that up to par, but I still went. After he was done saying everything I heard something I have not heard in a long time. I just cried, I didn't even know why I was crying. I just was, but it wasn't over anything I had going on or anything I was thinking, But the tears Just flowed, But I finally heard from God. It was more clear and Loud than ever. I wasn't even looking for a meet with Him, I wanted to meet with Him, I wanted to find him again,but I had gave up on it. But He found me, I wasn't doing anything, just sitting there against the wall, way in the back.He said

“Tabitha, Your hear because its real, your hear because You want to see me in a real way, a NEW way, and well here I am. I want you to learn how to be real, with me, with yourself,and with those around you. Its ok not to be OK all the time. What your Going through isn't for forever. Let me help you, Let me In. Let me teach you REAL love, Love that doesn't hurt. TRUST ME!

         I just cried more, it was almost like it was all new to me but at the same time, i knew it all. ( sorry if I'm not making much sense). It said so much to me, and made some stuff finally hit home. I'm not gonna say I'm good,I'm fine or I'm all better, but I have something Firm, and REAL to stand on. I found, No wait, God found me. What he has started, Hes gonna finish. No matter what it takes. I may fail at first but I know God is gonna get me through this. I'm gonna move forward NO matter what it takes.

1 Peter 5:8-10 says:

“Be self-controlled and alert, Your enemy the Devil, prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to Devour. Resist Him standing firm in faith, because you know your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all Grace who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will make you strong firm and steadfast.

I'm not gonna lie, the enemy had me down, and almost defeated. I have been listening to all his stupid lies long enough. Faith, These amazing few people God has recently placed in my life, thats whats gonna get me through this. All of everyones prayers thats why I'm where I'm at right now.

      I know and fully aware of the Road ahead. Its not gonna be an easy one, but I now have a rock to stand on. I see it, I know its here! I'm not gonna sink anymore.