It's been so long since I have last wrote! I have so much to say! So much update everyone on. But for now I have other things to say.
5 years ago this week something happened in my life. Something life changing. Something that I will never forget. Let me explain.
You see I was a shy, quiet girl. On the inside I was lost in my world of self hate and controlled by fear and empowered by rage. All I wanted was the Love of a guy. I was distraught by the crazy happenings of high school and my senior year, and my family was a wreck. On the outside though I was just there. I played the part- I went to church- I thought I was finally getting to a point of being free from it all and seeking God trying to figure out what to do in the midst of the chaos. Well- Nothing could prepare for what was about to happen!
The beginning of my senior year everything seemed Normal. Started the School year off Strong. Youth Group was going well. It wasn't until I had been sitting in Youth Group one Night and one of the Leaders had walked up to me and prayed for me and after said he thought He felt the Lord leading him to tell me that I need to deal with the "unforgiveness" with my family. I didn't think twice about it. I kinda laughed! My attitude kicked in and I stopped talking. But I took it all in. Unforgiveness? Really? I mean I was just having a bad day? Well It didn't end there.
I kept getting worse. Family situation kept getting worse. School was getting worse. Nothing seemed like it was looking up. I had the " I don't care attitude'. I had met with my mentor multiple times, and we would talk and text. I think I had realized what I needed to do.
A few weeks after youth group, I went to a concert. At this time it was probably my 9th concert, they had known me by name. After the Concert - Going through the signing line they had prayed for me and the same thing had happened, That I needed to pray and really to pray about unforgiveness in my life with my parents! and break off generational curses and Prayed Psalm 61! Not going lie I was kind of shocked t hear this a second time!
Not even two days after the concert I was Indiana, at my friends church that I was visiting. God woke me up. You see, I had never been to this church before. The pastor didn't even know my name. I only knew Jenelle and Morgan- and the rest of the SIP team that I had traveled with a few years prior. I'm sitting there minding my own buisness and boom out of know where I hear my name. and He looks at me in front of His entire Church and just speaks this word of life! I was never more amazed in my life as I was then. I still have only witnessed this once or twice since then! But He looked at me and said "you're called to speak Joy and Life into young lives- bring peace.Your purpose is to speak of a Hope that never fails. then he went in Acts 9 About how the young woman had died but Peter had brought her back to life and she went everywhere speaking of the things God has done for her! It was just amazing!- but there is a but! he said I have some unforgiveness with my parents to deal with and generational curses to break! and a few other things! It was at that point that God had shown me what I needed to do.
I began to pray. This was now December 2008. I prayed and prayed and cried. I talked to my mentor at the time, and I prayed more. It took me weeks to figure out what I should do. I mean I knew what I should do. I knew what I could have done. but I just didn't.
My Dad and I had talked weekly if not more since my sophomore year of high school. Before that we didn't really talk at all. The only thing I remember getting from him is a radio with a backstreet boy CD, a Red Bear and Britney Spears CD and it was the best Gift I got that year for my Christmas when I was a kid. But really All I cared about was that he was there. He lived in West Virginia. I lived in Ohio. Made Visiting quite difficult. That phone call every week though was valued. I didn't realize one phone call was going to be such a difficult one. Life Changing.
Eventually I realized all this Unforgiveness talk - needed to be taken care of. I wrote my mom a letter later on. But eventually I had to call my Dad. On January 17th- I called Him. Like I normally do. But this time the conversation went a little different. I said I am sorry. Confused He said for what. I said I'm sorry I haven't been the greatest daughter as I should be and I forgive you I know you aren't perfect but I love you!" He said He was sorry and His exact words were " Tab I am so proud of you, you make me want to dance with the Holy Spirit again I love you so much" -- I cried. He cried. I laughed cause his hillybilly accent and slang. He always told me he was reading the bible more because he knew i went to church and it was a way we had conversation and it was just cute and it just it was cute!
It was like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders! Unfortunately the conversation had to end because I was walking to work and Had just got there and Had to go. The "Love you, bye's" were a little bit harder that time around. but I had a Joy that was just unexplainable. A peace.
January 21,2009 at youth group it was even weird. It was a different setting. Everyone was upstairs.I was not feeling it. I sat in the back by the water fountain hiding. My Mentor after came home and showed me something in 1 Peter. I still have it marked in my bible to this day. I remember clear as day my youth pastor preaching end of the. night "were not promised the promised tomorrow yet alone the next 10 minutes." A statement everyone says but you never think about. Well- January 21,2009 my dad was killed in a car accident. He called his friend to pick him up from Walmart take him home and unknowing to Him he was drunk and strung out on drugs. He was speeding on the way home, the car flipped over the median, and slammed into a tree on the opposite side of road. The Last conversation I had with my dad was Him telling me that he wanted to dance with the " Holy Spirit" again. All those people speaking so much truth into my life I wouldn't be where I am today. I learned were not promised tomorrow, forgiveness is key to life. and never doubt the voice or nudging of the Holy Spirit.
My Dad was a Stubborn man. He loved. He gave. He cared deeply.
Although this week will be hard. I will remember not only the things that he has done but what God had done to restore our relationship.
God is a God of restoration and love.
Pursue Peace.
Pursue Him.
