It's been so long since I have last wrote! I have so much to say! So much update everyone on. But for now I have other things to say.
5 years ago this week something happened in my life. Something life changing. Something that I will never forget. Let me explain.
You see I was a shy, quiet girl. On the inside I was lost in my world of self hate and controlled by fear and empowered by rage. All I wanted was the Love of a guy. I was distraught by the crazy happenings of high school and my senior year, and my family was a wreck. On the outside though I was just there. I played the part- I went to church- I thought I was finally getting to a point of being free from it all and seeking God trying to figure out what to do in the midst of the chaos. Well- Nothing could prepare for what was about to happen!
The beginning of my senior year everything seemed Normal. Started the School year off Strong. Youth Group was going well. It wasn't until I had been sitting in Youth Group one Night and one of the Leaders had walked up to me and prayed for me and after said he thought He felt the Lord leading him to tell me that I need to deal with the "unforgiveness" with my family. I didn't think twice about it. I kinda laughed! My attitude kicked in and I stopped talking. But I took it all in. Unforgiveness? Really? I mean I was just having a bad day? Well It didn't end there.
I kept getting worse. Family situation kept getting worse. School was getting worse. Nothing seemed like it was looking up. I had the " I don't care attitude'. I had met with my mentor multiple times, and we would talk and text. I think I had realized what I needed to do.
A few weeks after youth group, I went to a concert. At this time it was probably my 9th concert, they had known me by name. After the Concert - Going through the signing line they had prayed for me and the same thing had happened, That I needed to pray and really to pray about unforgiveness in my life with my parents! and break off generational curses and Prayed Psalm 61! Not going lie I was kind of shocked t hear this a second time!
Not even two days after the concert I was Indiana, at my friends church that I was visiting. God woke me up. You see, I had never been to this church before. The pastor didn't even know my name. I only knew Jenelle and Morgan- and the rest of the SIP team that I had traveled with a few years prior. I'm sitting there minding my own buisness and boom out of know where I hear my name. and He looks at me in front of His entire Church and just speaks this word of life! I was never more amazed in my life as I was then. I still have only witnessed this once or twice since then! But He looked at me and said "you're called to speak Joy and Life into young lives- bring peace.Your purpose is to speak of a Hope that never fails. then he went in Acts 9 About how the young woman had died but Peter had brought her back to life and she went everywhere speaking of the things God has done for her! It was just amazing!- but there is a but! he said I have some unforgiveness with my parents to deal with and generational curses to break! and a few other things! It was at that point that God had shown me what I needed to do.
I began to pray. This was now December 2008. I prayed and prayed and cried. I talked to my mentor at the time, and I prayed more. It took me weeks to figure out what I should do. I mean I knew what I should do. I knew what I could have done. but I just didn't.
My Dad and I had talked weekly if not more since my sophomore year of high school. Before that we didn't really talk at all. The only thing I remember getting from him is a radio with a backstreet boy CD, a Red Bear and Britney Spears CD and it was the best Gift I got that year for my Christmas when I was a kid. But really All I cared about was that he was there. He lived in West Virginia. I lived in Ohio. Made Visiting quite difficult. That phone call every week though was valued. I didn't realize one phone call was going to be such a difficult one. Life Changing.
Eventually I realized all this Unforgiveness talk - needed to be taken care of. I wrote my mom a letter later on. But eventually I had to call my Dad. On January 17th- I called Him. Like I normally do. But this time the conversation went a little different. I said I am sorry. Confused He said for what. I said I'm sorry I haven't been the greatest daughter as I should be and I forgive you I know you aren't perfect but I love you!" He said He was sorry and His exact words were " Tab I am so proud of you, you make me want to dance with the Holy Spirit again I love you so much" -- I cried. He cried. I laughed cause his hillybilly accent and slang. He always told me he was reading the bible more because he knew i went to church and it was a way we had conversation and it was just cute and it just it was cute!
It was like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders! Unfortunately the conversation had to end because I was walking to work and Had just got there and Had to go. The "Love you, bye's" were a little bit harder that time around. but I had a Joy that was just unexplainable. A peace.
January 21,2009 at youth group it was even weird. It was a different setting. Everyone was upstairs.I was not feeling it. I sat in the back by the water fountain hiding. My Mentor after came home and showed me something in 1 Peter. I still have it marked in my bible to this day. I remember clear as day my youth pastor preaching end of the. night "were not promised the promised tomorrow yet alone the next 10 minutes." A statement everyone says but you never think about. Well- January 21,2009 my dad was killed in a car accident. He called his friend to pick him up from Walmart take him home and unknowing to Him he was drunk and strung out on drugs. He was speeding on the way home, the car flipped over the median, and slammed into a tree on the opposite side of road. The Last conversation I had with my dad was Him telling me that he wanted to dance with the " Holy Spirit" again. All those people speaking so much truth into my life I wouldn't be where I am today. I learned were not promised tomorrow, forgiveness is key to life. and never doubt the voice or nudging of the Holy Spirit.
My Dad was a Stubborn man. He loved. He gave. He cared deeply.
Although this week will be hard. I will remember not only the things that he has done but what God had done to restore our relationship.
God is a God of restoration and love.
Pursue Peace.
Pursue Him.
Showing posts with label peace. Show all posts
Showing posts with label peace. Show all posts
Saturday, January 11, 2014
Monday, April 22, 2013
Center of it all.
I write. I'm a writer. I write organize my mind. I write to talk to God. I write to explain myself. I write.... Just because I can. I write because its the one place I make sense. I write because it brings peace to every part of my being. Singing brings peace to some. Music. Instruments. Etc. I write.
It takes me a while to write out these things though. It goes through a process. First some prayer- some loss of sleep. Then written in my Journal. Then after I weed out all the un needed stuff, I post here. A blog ( I still laugh at it). I think the world needs to know. For some reason I find my self compelled to write here.
I've been thinking about the brain and how incredibly complex it is. I won't lie- its been pissing me off. ( I probably shouldn't say that but I'm gonna be Honesty.) No matter how much research is done, no matter how many drugs are out there- they have yet to master it. They have yet to figure out every detail, mechanism, all that it can do, why something goes wrong, why something works exactly the way it does. Even the country's top Neurologist, Neurosurgeons, Neuro specialist-- I mean you name it. They just have assumptions as to "why" something goes wrong. I've met people who have told me stories of surgery, stories of tumors, of seizures, of memory Loss for no reason,-- I mean the entire body is so incredibly complex and amazing if you think about how we are held together. But the brain --- specifically is the center of life. You can't transplant it. Can't always fix it- can't bring back memories lost due to brain damage.
You have the heart that that beats/ pumps the blood to all the different organs , Lungs that breath, feet that walk, hands that clap, kidneys that detox the body and so on so forth- with out the Brain you are not doing any of that and more. If something is wrong with your brain- you are going to be a little --- off. Trust me on that.
You see, you can get all kinds of transplants-- heart, liver, kidneys, spleen, eyes, pancreas, bone, intestines, and even tendons! But-- Brains. Nothing. You can't get a new brain, or even a fake implant. You can't get parts of your brain taken out and the other part of your brain picks up for what's lacking. Weird right? That some kids that suffer certain types of seizures can have half their brain removed and still have the chance to living a perfectly normal life! Then some- have just a part of their brain removed and their lives are screwed?
Your probably wondering why I am talking so much about the Brain. You see its so intricate and complex. Yet no one knows exactly why. My aunt died due to her brain pretty much dying before the rest of her body. As soon as they took her off life support though- it was only minutes. Her organs saved many other people's lives though. Crazy right? THAT'S not even the reason why Im writing this. That's just to make a point.
You see- when their is something wrong with your brain- their is something wrong with your entire body. Their are going to be signs and symptoms that are going to show. Your Brain is going to be the center of Life. It's the center of everything. Hit your head the wrong way, you'll know what I'm talking about.
Well- if your relationship with God isn't based or founded on the rock its going to be the same. God is our center- if God isn't the "brain" of my life, Isn't the rock- I'm going to have problems. I'm going to find myself lost.
God is so intricate- nobody can understand Him. He is God. People try. But they can't. He is God. If he isn't center- if we don't start revolving our life around Him- our heart and lungs are going to fail. Our kidneys are going to shutdown and were going to have no way to de-tox! See where Im getting at here?
We need Jesus. Our very creator. The one who knit us together in our mothers wombs- we need, because He is the ONLY one who knows what's going on. No doctor, no person etc. Just HIM. We need Him to clean up our Junk. We can't do it alone. He makes ALL things new.
Who's your Brain?
Where's your Focus?
It takes me a while to write out these things though. It goes through a process. First some prayer- some loss of sleep. Then written in my Journal. Then after I weed out all the un needed stuff, I post here. A blog ( I still laugh at it). I think the world needs to know. For some reason I find my self compelled to write here.
I've been thinking about the brain and how incredibly complex it is. I won't lie- its been pissing me off. ( I probably shouldn't say that but I'm gonna be Honesty.) No matter how much research is done, no matter how many drugs are out there- they have yet to master it. They have yet to figure out every detail, mechanism, all that it can do, why something goes wrong, why something works exactly the way it does. Even the country's top Neurologist, Neurosurgeons, Neuro specialist-- I mean you name it. They just have assumptions as to "why" something goes wrong. I've met people who have told me stories of surgery, stories of tumors, of seizures, of memory Loss for no reason,-- I mean the entire body is so incredibly complex and amazing if you think about how we are held together. But the brain --- specifically is the center of life. You can't transplant it. Can't always fix it- can't bring back memories lost due to brain damage.
You have the heart that that beats/ pumps the blood to all the different organs , Lungs that breath, feet that walk, hands that clap, kidneys that detox the body and so on so forth- with out the Brain you are not doing any of that and more. If something is wrong with your brain- you are going to be a little --- off. Trust me on that.
You see, you can get all kinds of transplants-- heart, liver, kidneys, spleen, eyes, pancreas, bone, intestines, and even tendons! But-- Brains. Nothing. You can't get a new brain, or even a fake implant. You can't get parts of your brain taken out and the other part of your brain picks up for what's lacking. Weird right? That some kids that suffer certain types of seizures can have half their brain removed and still have the chance to living a perfectly normal life! Then some- have just a part of their brain removed and their lives are screwed?
Your probably wondering why I am talking so much about the Brain. You see its so intricate and complex. Yet no one knows exactly why. My aunt died due to her brain pretty much dying before the rest of her body. As soon as they took her off life support though- it was only minutes. Her organs saved many other people's lives though. Crazy right? THAT'S not even the reason why Im writing this. That's just to make a point.
You see- when their is something wrong with your brain- their is something wrong with your entire body. Their are going to be signs and symptoms that are going to show. Your Brain is going to be the center of Life. It's the center of everything. Hit your head the wrong way, you'll know what I'm talking about.
Well- if your relationship with God isn't based or founded on the rock its going to be the same. God is our center- if God isn't the "brain" of my life, Isn't the rock- I'm going to have problems. I'm going to find myself lost.
God is so intricate- nobody can understand Him. He is God. People try. But they can't. He is God. If he isn't center- if we don't start revolving our life around Him- our heart and lungs are going to fail. Our kidneys are going to shutdown and were going to have no way to de-tox! See where Im getting at here?
We need Jesus. Our very creator. The one who knit us together in our mothers wombs- we need, because He is the ONLY one who knows what's going on. No doctor, no person etc. Just HIM. We need Him to clean up our Junk. We can't do it alone. He makes ALL things new.
Who's your Brain?
Where's your Focus?
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
I've Got sunshine on a cloudy day :)
Good morning from Rainy Cleveland. Its Cloudy and gross and it gives every person every reason to have a bad day.
Am I right? I know I wasn't exactly having the greatest start to the day either-- or the past few days. I have been struggling. Struggling with a stuff that I don't know how to talk about. Stuff that people don't understand. Stuff that scares people away. Stuff that scares me. Stuff that I don't understand,yet walk around talking about as if I can answer every question about and yet I may be able to, but I can't fully tell you why because I don't know why.
That has been the past few days for me- I skipped a bible study (not the end of the world) and just hung out with a friend. It was well overdo. I needed to pull myself together and think and pray and just be. Not overthink anything, not get any crazy advice from anyone, but just be and throw a little fun in the mix of it. I love my life, my friends, everything. I am so incredibly blessed. I am--- Let me explain a few things to you.
Yesterday- I was praying about my situation with work, life, health etc. Sunday- I heard a very inspiring message and just altogether was very great day. I was able to see a college friend kick off a church in my hometown-- Just my heart is there. But the pastor was talking about how we don't necessarily understand whats going on for us because it may not be for us -- but for those around us. To show them the Love of Jesus through us and in us. To just Hold on. uhm? Yeah. That is Hard. But Today that Reality sat in and sat in clear.
I realized I have but NO choice to live my life a little differently. Everything is going to have to be done a little--- differently. I am opting for the time being to give up the idea of driving. I am 22 years old. Just 9 months ago I was able to buy a car was FINALLY able to get my license had my own apartment etc. Now Im a 22 year old living with a family that took me in, I am on medical leave from work till may, I my apartment, I cant even pay for medication until work is figured out. Thats negative crap right? yeah I know. I am by no means saying this as pity party for me. or a poor Tabitha. NO. because I am alive. By the Grace of God I am a live and guess what He is STILL providing for me I am actually loving this time off work because it gives me more ministry time.I get to serve more. I get more opportunities opened up to me!!! God is SO faithful.
There is a hindrance yes. I cant do everything I want do,to not driving. But- I make it work. God makes it work. I am so blessed with wonderful church. Im finding new ways to make things happen and God just-- Keeps blowing my mind. :) I am so excited to whats to come. So excited for whats to come in Cleveland. and Northeast,Ohio. I grew up in youth group at the age of 15 saying I was going to be a world changer. Till this day--- I still believe God has called me to that
So yes. I've Got sunshine on cloudy day!!!
Am I right? I know I wasn't exactly having the greatest start to the day either-- or the past few days. I have been struggling. Struggling with a stuff that I don't know how to talk about. Stuff that people don't understand. Stuff that scares people away. Stuff that scares me. Stuff that I don't understand,yet walk around talking about as if I can answer every question about and yet I may be able to, but I can't fully tell you why because I don't know why.
That has been the past few days for me- I skipped a bible study (not the end of the world) and just hung out with a friend. It was well overdo. I needed to pull myself together and think and pray and just be. Not overthink anything, not get any crazy advice from anyone, but just be and throw a little fun in the mix of it. I love my life, my friends, everything. I am so incredibly blessed. I am--- Let me explain a few things to you.
Yesterday- I was praying about my situation with work, life, health etc. Sunday- I heard a very inspiring message and just altogether was very great day. I was able to see a college friend kick off a church in my hometown-- Just my heart is there. But the pastor was talking about how we don't necessarily understand whats going on for us because it may not be for us -- but for those around us. To show them the Love of Jesus through us and in us. To just Hold on. uhm? Yeah. That is Hard. But Today that Reality sat in and sat in clear.
I realized I have but NO choice to live my life a little differently. Everything is going to have to be done a little--- differently. I am opting for the time being to give up the idea of driving. I am 22 years old. Just 9 months ago I was able to buy a car was FINALLY able to get my license had my own apartment etc. Now Im a 22 year old living with a family that took me in, I am on medical leave from work till may, I my apartment, I cant even pay for medication until work is figured out. Thats negative crap right? yeah I know. I am by no means saying this as pity party for me. or a poor Tabitha. NO. because I am alive. By the Grace of God I am a live and guess what He is STILL providing for me I am actually loving this time off work because it gives me more ministry time.I get to serve more. I get more opportunities opened up to me!!! God is SO faithful.
There is a hindrance yes. I cant do everything I want do,to not driving. But- I make it work. God makes it work. I am so blessed with wonderful church. Im finding new ways to make things happen and God just-- Keeps blowing my mind. :) I am so excited to whats to come. So excited for whats to come in Cleveland. and Northeast,Ohio. I grew up in youth group at the age of 15 saying I was going to be a world changer. Till this day--- I still believe God has called me to that
So yes. I've Got sunshine on cloudy day!!!
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Not for a moment
It's 1:30 a.m I can't sleep. For the past 6 hours I've been watching Grey's Anatomy and catching up on the final seasons-- all I can say is that I am WAY to emotionally involved into this show ;) anytime Meredith Grey Cries--- yup better bet I'm bawling. We're alike in a lot of ways :D I find it humorous. Then you have izzy, man this girl. Ah- as I said-- WAY to emotionally involved. That's so random of me to say but its made me think. A couple episodes ago I watched the show where George died and Izzy almost died and then a few shows later izzy is dealing with it long with Derek and they say something-
" when it hurts so much you can't breathe, that's how you stay alive - by remembering that one day somehow Impossibly it won't feel this way, it won't hurt this much"
I understand I haven't wrote in a while. Nothing to different really going on to write about- it would just be complaining if I did. Ya know? But honestly me not writing is faking cause there is a lot going on. Since I lost my grandpa -- things have become a little crazy. Just -- a tad. Not bad. But just a lot. Struggles. Good. Bad. Hard stuff. Things I don't get. Things I need help with. Things I want. Things I need to figure out. Etc. just a lot.
This past Tuesday I just got out the hospital. I spent 5 days in the ungodly epilepsy Unit. 2 days prior to going into there I spent the weekend in the Hospital as well. 3 days spent there I think it was-- that time is all a blur, all I really remember is happy feet socks and the security guard thinking I was 15. I've been ripped off meds put on meds. Changed dosage of meds. We found out I'm also hypokalemic, again. This med I'm in now messes horribly with my body and appetite, and I'm back to round 3.56735839 of not being able to eat just when I figure out a system that works. They told me I can't drive. They told me I can't work with blizzard machines anymore- they were very specific about that when they wrote my release form. How I am going to get out of that with work I don't know. I'm broke. I have no money. I'm living with a family that's so graciously taken me in because I agreed to pay them rent once I was working steadily and etc and now- I not only won't be working but I won't have a way to get myself from point a and b. I had to sell my car to my brother. No more license. My neurologist has no hope of clearing me anytime soon to get my license. The biggest blow this week was my job- I am a workaholic and love my job. Being told I can't do the very thing I put 30 plus hours of my week into doing, and mAking a living while doing it, is hard. I have to totally trust God. I have to wake up every morning and say even when I don't get it- God does. Because well he is God and some how, some crazy weird very odd way-- He has a plan. And It must be pretty freakin awesome. Truth right there let me tell you.
While I was in the hospital I was blessed with presence of this nurse-- I'll leave it at that-- for two days. I thought one day was a blessing in itself but two days- wow. She definitely had a heart for The Lord!!!!!! Sooooooo sweet! Seriouslyh! Bring up a worship song and man would she talk! But as soon as she found out I wasn't drinking enough--- that was a whole other song and dance. I swear every visitor I had she told them. I wanted to tell her to shut up! But I honestly didnt know how to nicely-- and after alllll the conversations we had all day- the only thing that went through my head was " for the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks" , I had to be nice. And I knew she was doing her job, but she was just exhausting. But anyways- we spoke about quite a bit and something she said to me while I was in the hospital - were made through the fire. This- life. Where you're at. It's the fire. If she only knew the volumes in which she was speaking. She kept coming back to my room and doing her charting and etc, and I just kept thinking. We are made through the fire and storms and deserts of this life! Things that aren't always easy. They can teach us a lot if we let them.
This is teaching me a lot. More than what's neccasary to be shared. I'm dealing with some health issues and etc - the obvious but things go deeper.
You learn a total dependence on who your maker is. You learn to listen to the one who spoke the earth into motion and not everything nor anyone else around you. You learn to trust the one who parted the Red Sea. And for me--- I think this is the hardest- I have to constantly learn to put "my" world into the hands of the one who holds THE world. Because He already knows what it all looks like.
It's hard- not knowing if I'm going to be able to work. If I'm going to be able to drive. If I'm gonna have a secure solid place to live. How am I going to work out getting places? Health insurance? Money? I need a Job? I need stuff to do? ... All these things. Superficial things. When I already truly know God has it all figured out. I know this because I'm still here. I'm still alive. I'm still breathing. And when I do fall asleep and if I don't wake up then it wasn't meant to be- but for right now I'm thanking God because I am here. I am alive.
I titled this "not for a moment" because there is a song that I've been so stuck on in all this by Meredith Andrews that goes
"After all You are constant
After all You are only good
After all You are sovereign
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Not for a moment will You forsake me "
I'm holding true to that. I know He is Good. No matter the outcome of all this-- why.? Because it has absolutely nothing to do with me. But because in the end He is still God. And still Good. Ill just rest in that.
" when it hurts so much you can't breathe, that's how you stay alive - by remembering that one day somehow Impossibly it won't feel this way, it won't hurt this much"
I understand I haven't wrote in a while. Nothing to different really going on to write about- it would just be complaining if I did. Ya know? But honestly me not writing is faking cause there is a lot going on. Since I lost my grandpa -- things have become a little crazy. Just -- a tad. Not bad. But just a lot. Struggles. Good. Bad. Hard stuff. Things I don't get. Things I need help with. Things I want. Things I need to figure out. Etc. just a lot.
This past Tuesday I just got out the hospital. I spent 5 days in the ungodly epilepsy Unit. 2 days prior to going into there I spent the weekend in the Hospital as well. 3 days spent there I think it was-- that time is all a blur, all I really remember is happy feet socks and the security guard thinking I was 15. I've been ripped off meds put on meds. Changed dosage of meds. We found out I'm also hypokalemic, again. This med I'm in now messes horribly with my body and appetite, and I'm back to round 3.56735839 of not being able to eat just when I figure out a system that works. They told me I can't drive. They told me I can't work with blizzard machines anymore- they were very specific about that when they wrote my release form. How I am going to get out of that with work I don't know. I'm broke. I have no money. I'm living with a family that's so graciously taken me in because I agreed to pay them rent once I was working steadily and etc and now- I not only won't be working but I won't have a way to get myself from point a and b. I had to sell my car to my brother. No more license. My neurologist has no hope of clearing me anytime soon to get my license. The biggest blow this week was my job- I am a workaholic and love my job. Being told I can't do the very thing I put 30 plus hours of my week into doing, and mAking a living while doing it, is hard. I have to totally trust God. I have to wake up every morning and say even when I don't get it- God does. Because well he is God and some how, some crazy weird very odd way-- He has a plan. And It must be pretty freakin awesome. Truth right there let me tell you.
While I was in the hospital I was blessed with presence of this nurse-- I'll leave it at that-- for two days. I thought one day was a blessing in itself but two days- wow. She definitely had a heart for The Lord!!!!!! Sooooooo sweet! Seriouslyh! Bring up a worship song and man would she talk! But as soon as she found out I wasn't drinking enough--- that was a whole other song and dance. I swear every visitor I had she told them. I wanted to tell her to shut up! But I honestly didnt know how to nicely-- and after alllll the conversations we had all day- the only thing that went through my head was " for the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks" , I had to be nice. And I knew she was doing her job, but she was just exhausting. But anyways- we spoke about quite a bit and something she said to me while I was in the hospital - were made through the fire. This- life. Where you're at. It's the fire. If she only knew the volumes in which she was speaking. She kept coming back to my room and doing her charting and etc, and I just kept thinking. We are made through the fire and storms and deserts of this life! Things that aren't always easy. They can teach us a lot if we let them.
This is teaching me a lot. More than what's neccasary to be shared. I'm dealing with some health issues and etc - the obvious but things go deeper.
You learn a total dependence on who your maker is. You learn to listen to the one who spoke the earth into motion and not everything nor anyone else around you. You learn to trust the one who parted the Red Sea. And for me--- I think this is the hardest- I have to constantly learn to put "my" world into the hands of the one who holds THE world. Because He already knows what it all looks like.
It's hard- not knowing if I'm going to be able to work. If I'm going to be able to drive. If I'm gonna have a secure solid place to live. How am I going to work out getting places? Health insurance? Money? I need a Job? I need stuff to do? ... All these things. Superficial things. When I already truly know God has it all figured out. I know this because I'm still here. I'm still alive. I'm still breathing. And when I do fall asleep and if I don't wake up then it wasn't meant to be- but for right now I'm thanking God because I am here. I am alive.
I titled this "not for a moment" because there is a song that I've been so stuck on in all this by Meredith Andrews that goes
"After all You are constant
After all You are only good
After all You are sovereign
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Not for a moment will You forsake me "
I'm holding true to that. I know He is Good. No matter the outcome of all this-- why.? Because it has absolutely nothing to do with me. But because in the end He is still God. And still Good. Ill just rest in that.
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