Not for a moment

It's 1:30 a.m I can't sleep. For the past 6 hours I've been watching Grey's Anatomy and catching up on the final seasons-- all I can say is that I am WAY to emotionally involved into this show ;) anytime Meredith Grey Cries--- yup better bet I'm bawling. We're alike in a lot of ways :D I find it humorous. Then you have izzy, man this girl. Ah- as I said-- WAY to emotionally involved. That's so random of me to say but its made me think. A couple episodes ago I watched the show where George died and Izzy almost died and then a few shows later izzy is dealing with it long with Derek and they say something-
" when it hurts so much you can't breathe, that's how you stay alive - by remembering that one day somehow Impossibly it won't feel this way, it won't hurt this much"

I understand I haven't wrote in a while. Nothing to different really going on to write about- it would just be complaining if I did. Ya know? But honestly me not writing is faking cause there is a lot going on. Since I lost my grandpa -- things have become a little crazy. Just -- a tad. Not bad. But just a lot. Struggles. Good. Bad. Hard stuff. Things I don't get. Things I need help with. Things I want. Things I need to figure out. Etc. just a lot.

This past Tuesday I just got out the hospital. I spent 5 days in the ungodly epilepsy Unit. 2 days prior to going into there I spent the weekend in the Hospital as well. 3 days spent there I think it was-- that time is all a blur, all I really remember is happy feet socks and the security guard thinking I was 15. I've been ripped off meds put on meds. Changed dosage of meds. We found out I'm also hypokalemic, again. This med I'm in now messes horribly with my body and appetite, and I'm back to round 3.56735839 of not being able to eat just when I figure out a system that works. They told me I can't drive. They told me I can't work with blizzard machines anymore- they were very specific about that when they wrote my release form. How I am going to get out of that with work I don't know. I'm broke. I have no money. I'm living with a family that's so graciously taken me in because I agreed to pay them rent once I was working steadily and etc and now- I not only won't be working but I won't have a way to get myself from point a and b. I had to sell my car to my brother. No more license. My neurologist has no hope of clearing me anytime soon to get my license. The biggest blow this week was my job- I am a workaholic and love my job. Being told I can't do the very thing I put 30 plus hours of my week into doing, and mAking a living while doing it, is hard. I have to totally trust God. I have to wake up every morning and say even when I don't get it- God does. Because well he is God and some how, some crazy weird very odd way-- He has a plan. And It must be pretty freakin awesome. Truth right there let me tell you.

While I was in the hospital I was blessed with presence of this nurse-- I'll leave it at that-- for two days. I thought one day was a blessing in itself but two days- wow. She definitely had a heart for The Lord!!!!!! Sooooooo sweet! Seriouslyh! Bring up a worship song and man would she talk! But as soon as she found out I wasn't drinking enough--- that was a whole other song and dance. I swear every visitor I had she told them. I wanted to tell her to shut up! But I honestly didnt know how to nicely-- and after alllll the conversations we had all day- the only thing that went through my head was " for the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks" , I had to be nice. And I knew she was doing her job, but she was just exhausting. But anyways- we spoke about quite a bit and something she said to me while I was in the hospital - were made through the fire. This- life. Where you're at. It's the fire. If she only knew the volumes in which she was speaking. She kept coming back to my room and doing her charting and etc, and I just kept thinking. We are made through the fire and storms and deserts of this life! Things that aren't always easy. They can teach us a lot if we let them.

This is teaching me a lot. More than what's neccasary to be shared. I'm dealing with some health issues and etc - the obvious but things go deeper.

You learn a total dependence on who your maker is. You learn to listen to the one who spoke the earth into motion and not everything nor anyone else around you. You learn to trust the one who parted the Red Sea. And for me--- I think this is the hardest- I have to constantly learn to put "my" world into the hands of the one who holds THE world. Because He already knows what it all looks like.

It's hard- not knowing if I'm going to be able to work. If I'm going to be able to drive. If I'm gonna have a secure solid place to live. How am I going to work out getting places? Health insurance? Money? I need a Job? I need stuff to do? ... All these things. Superficial things. When I already truly know God has it all figured out. I know this because I'm still here. I'm still alive. I'm still breathing. And when I do fall asleep and if I don't wake up then it wasn't meant to be- but for right now I'm thanking God because I am here. I am alive.

I titled this "not for a moment" because there is a song that I've been so stuck on in all this by Meredith Andrews that goes

"After all You are constant
After all You are only good
After all You are sovereign
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Not for a moment will You forsake me "

I'm holding true to that. I know He is Good. No matter the outcome of all this-- why.? Because it has absolutely nothing to do with me. But because in the end He is still God. And still Good. Ill just rest in that.

Hello World :)

I'm up at the weirdest hour of the night writing on a blog I said I never would write on. I'm getting better at this though. I'm starting to like it to.

You see- for years I use to be the type of person that would broadcast every detail of my life to any person that would get close to me. Over the Past few years though I've pushed just about every person away and stopped telling anyone anything because I've realized just How unhealthy that really was. I was a STUPID STUPID teenager. To say the very least. Now I've done the complete opposite--- its been uncomfortable for people to HAVE to know whats going on. I push people away and only tell those closest everything and that's like- 3 people. Literally  And one of them I only tell because well-- someone how She became part of my life because she understood and most of the time I feel bad- but she understands.-- not like because she gets it but because shes been through school and all this stuff and knows about some of this stuff. So yeah- she gets it- the meds, the DR lingo, all of it. I feel normal for once when I talk to them. Does it stop me from Praying? Nope. Because trust me it hasn't I'm here today. I'm standing. and Stronger than I ever have been.

. I know everyone else means well but  I've stopped talking to them. Or I've learned to change the subject. You see- everyone Else I feel like its a burden or they don't get it and its a problem. Or they just don't want to hear about it unless they ask. If they don't ask. I don't tell. Or as I've said before they are afraid of me-- like I'm some kind of monster. 

I'm a Strong woman. I've learned this too. Normally-- I don't say that. Normally. I would throw my white flag up and curl up in a ball and say I quit. But I'm NOT. I refuse to. I can't. I won't. God's brought me way to freakin far to let the enemy break me now. I may be sick. I may have days where I get weak. But then- that's when I have to look up for myself. When I personally have to choose to get up off my butt! ( yes I just said butt get over it) and get on my knees and pray and do something about it. I remember hearing something a while back- " you don't need a third party to talk to God when you can talk to him for yourself"---  I don't necessarily verbalize my prayers and I'll be honest, Ill sing and dance and cry and  I'll write. I write and talk to God all at once. That's how I talk to God. Everyone is different. This ... this Journey I've been blessed to be on has changed me. Has changed my way of dealing with people, working with people, talking to people, addressing people, talking to my FAMILY.  let me tell you-- its been HARD. I've had days I've wanted to flush my meds. I've had days I've wanted to just curl up in a ball and cry. I've had days where I have done nothing but cry. But there's been one thing that's been consistent in all this-- HIM. He hasn't left. Even though I've been -- everywhere. literally. on the charts from moods to sickness to everything. God is still God and still capable of doing what He is does. even when I suck. He doesn't change. He never fails. He is God! He just is!!!!  I'm only strong because of HIM! because He has shown Grace and Mercy on my life through so much and put the people in my life He has to continue to influence me to rely on HIM AND HIS GRACE and His strength and His comfort to get through this. Because there is no other way I'd get through this. NONE. ZERO!!!

Tonight- I'm writing this because I'm extremely thankful. thankful that I have the opportunity to pick up the bible. to Text my friends.Thankful I have friends who are real and straight up with me when I am out of line. That I have Pastors and a Church that blesses me so much. Lifes not always easy. Everyone deals with something. Everyone Has a Story. I learned Last night- My RA from College Little sister had a kidney Transplant a while back and is now having some complications from it and all this time I thought this Girl was one of the strongest/perfect people I know. She has a story. Her family's courage and strength and dependence on God is just amazing and Beautiful may I add. I am Blessed. Too.

All this to say-- even on my Bad days God is still God. Still Capable and will do what He does.  We all have a story. 

So thank you to everyone. 

Im tired. Im going to bed.

Peace out.